Learning to Work Around “Spacing Out”

Honey, you’re not listening
ADDvanced Listening & Languaging

© Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CTP, CMC, ACT, MCC, SCAC
from the Memory & Coaching Skills Series

Spacing out – when attention wanders

We’ve all had times when our mind goes off on a short walk-about as someone seems to go on and on and on.

But that’s not the only arena where attention wanders off on its own.

Have you ever gone into another room only to wonder what you went there to do?

I’ll bet you have little to no awareness of where your attention went during your short trip to the other room, but if you’re like me (or most of my clients and students), you’ve sometimes wondered if doorways are embedded with some kind of Star Trekkian technology that wipes our minds clean on pass-through.

Awareness is a factor of ATTENTION

Has your mate ever said “Honey, I TOLD you I would be home late on Tuesday nights!” — when you honestly couldn’t remember ever hearing it before that very moment, or only dimly remember the conversation for the first time when it comes up again?

Most of the time, when that happens, we are so lost in our own thoughts, we have little to no awareness that we spaced out while someone was speaking to us.

What do you do DO on those occasions where you suddenly realize that you have been hearing but not really listening?

Don’t you tend to attempt to fill in the gaps, silently praying that anything important will be repeated? I know I do.

It is a rare individual who has the guts to say, “I’m so sorry, I got distracted.  Could you repeat every single word you just said?” 

And how likely are you to ask for clarification once you are listening once more?

  • If you’re like most people, you probably assume that the reason you are slow to understand is because you missed the explanatory words during your “brain blip.”
  • If the conversation concludes with, “Call me if you have any problems,” I’ll bet you don’t reply, “With what?!”

That’s what the person with attending deficits or an exceptionally busy brain goes through in almost every single interchange, unless they learn how to attend or the person speaking learns how to talk so people listen.

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Awareness is indeed a factor of attention

In order to act on something, one must remember that it occurred, recalling a great enough number of the event’s details that it is possible to follow up with action.

In order to remember something, it must have been registered
in a manner that is retrievable on demand, following specific prompts.

Comprehensively trained, brain-based ADD Coaches have learned that, to work with attention deficits and distracted minds, the speakers must be able to talk to their clients in a way that the clients can hear and link for retrieval.

They must learn to be able to listen for the often subtle clues that tell him or her where it is essential to employ specific language skills – a skill the coaching field often refers to as “languaging.”

Brain-based ADD Coach Training could also be called
ADDvanced Listening & Languaging.

This article, which will be broken into parts and posted as a Series, will share several things with anyone reading, most of which you will probably not come across outside a comprehensive coach training curriculum, including:

  • Some coaching concepts designed to increase your listening skills;
  • Some concepts that will increase your understanding of the memory and retrieval process; and
  • Some techniques to seed a shift in your languaging skills that will increase your likelihood of being heard  — by ALL of the people in your own busy lives.  Let’s start there.

What will NEVER work

Our brains have developed to protect us from danger. Words or tones of censure are interpreted as danger.

Nagging and complaining can only be perceived as signs of displeasure. Way back in our genetic history, the repeated displeasure of the tribe led to ostracism.

In those predatory cave days, being out on our own usually meant death. We begin almost immediately to mount a defense – NOT to apologize and listen-up.

Repeated after-the-fact bitchin’ and moaning is more likely to increase the very behavior you hope to see less of: tuning you out. 

The brain – unconsciously – reacts to further information from complainers more like, “Here it comes again – run and hide,” even in the face of conscious attempts to pay closer attention in order to change what seems to always come next.  Brain-based, by the way.

Addressing current events

Because I am aware of some brain-based realities that many misunderstand or don’t know about, I’m hoping to offer some information that will prove helpful as we speak to each other in the days, weeks and months to come.

It is also why I am greatly concerned about articles sprinkled around the ‘net ranting and raving at Americans who voted for our current president and continue to support him, despite his ongoing actions.

It won’t work.

As commenter Tommy put forward in response to the article from PsychCentral (linked below), politics are breeding grounds for cognitive dissonance. Once we develop strong beliefs in our candidates, even if they later exhibit signs that contradict why we supported them in the first place, we continue to support our original choices.

We are unconsciously attempting to eliminating the dissonance created by the conflict between what we once believed to be true and the behaviors and actions that follow.

What’s more, we reinforce our decisions by reading or listening only to informational sources that won’t compete with our positive views of our candidates, reinforcing and increasing our confidence in those views. (For example, he writes, democrats are likely to watch MSNBC but avoid watching FOX, while the opposite is probably true for republicans).

HOWEVER, if you, too, are desperate to turn things around, not merely to rant about events as they have turned out (which I certainly cannot accept either) –  we all simply must simmer down and stop making each other wrong. We have to find a way to work together on those things about which we CAN agree.

Related Post: Why we hate to change our minds

Standing United

America needs to come together and fight for our collective values while it is still possible to stop at least some of the actions that are out of integrity with what we say we believe as a nation.

And we hope and pray that those of you who live outside our borders will stand WITH us, not against us.

For that reason I feel strongly that I must always object to anything divisive when I come across it, even though I realize I am but one small voice in a wilderness of shame.

So, as I work my way through further explanations and offer some suggestions designed primarily toward more effective communication in our personal relationships, please keep it in mind that censure and shame is NOT a technique that will change much of anything anywhere else either.

Not even a little bit.

YOU may feel better for ranting, but if you join me in my desire is to see things change for the better, make-wrong is NOT the way to go about it. It will almost always backfire — evidence based, backed-up through many experiments over many years, and explained briefly in a prior post.

I don’t personalize contentious comments, but many will, and that’s the problem.

If we are to put a halt to what’s happening and really “make America great again,” we need increasingly more Americans to stand up and fight with us, NOT to be put on the defensive about what they can no longer change, reacting out of brain-based feelings that they must continue to defend their actions and agendas because they’re under attack.

You can’t make me believe I am WRONG!!

Most of us hate it when our beliefs are challenged. Once we are invested in a decision or opinion, we tend to resist changing our minds – no matter who we are or how open-minded we like to believe we are being.

When someone presents evidence that does not support or agree with something that we believe, we will feel an uncomfortable – and unconscious – state of dissonance.  Immediately, we will be strongly motivated to reduce it.

The easiest, quickest way that most of us attempt to handle that hateful conflict between old information and new is to dig in and defend our current beliefs.

Looking at the Science

Dr. Carol Tavris is a social psychologist – a research branch of psychology. She is the co-author of a book that explains what science has discovered about why this is so.

In Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts, she covers two essential concepts: confirmation bias and cognitive dissonance.

We now have over 3,000 studies on aspects of dissonance — cognitive, social, emotional and neurological  — that show us just how uncomfortable it is for the brain to be confronted with dissonant information, and what we are likely to DO about it.

Tavris explains that our unconscious drive to reduce cognitive dissonance between conflicting thoughts is so strong that we are most likely to close our minds to updated information that could help us make significantly better choices in the future.

For example, the conflict between “I am an educated, compassionate person of expertise” and “I hold a belief (or committed an action) that might make it seem as if I am not” is a sure bet to result in cognitive dissonance.

Apparently, according to Tavris, in our evolutionary history it has proven more adaptive, more beneficial, to come up with a set of beliefs that guide our behavior and bind us to a community in advance, so we don’t have to stop and question our decisions each moment of our days.

So, once we have a belief system in place it, essentially, does our thinking for us.

Tavris goes on to remind us that there are brain-based benefits to justifying our actions after the fact: it reduces the anxiety of second-guessing as it allows us to continue thinking of ourselves as good, competent, intelligent people who know what we’re doing and are safe in our environments.

Don’t Make People Wrong

Understanding the concept of cognitive dissonance helps us understand why, when we are speaking with somebody who holds different views, it is important NOT to put them into a state of dissonance.

If we make somebody feel stupid for a belief they hold or for an action they took, it is practically guaranteed they’re not going to listen to our wonderful words of wisdom. They’re going to cling all the more tightly to their justifications for whatever they said or did.

Because what’s the alternative: admitting that they did something stupid or foolish?  No one wants to believe that they’ve been stupid!

We can also learn to remind ourselves to think in different manner about our own oopses and missteps: When I, a well-intended, competent person, do something that wasn’t representative, I remain a good person, but the thing I did needs to be rethought.

So hold this in mind as you are debating what’s right for this country – or any other.  It’s also STEP ONE when trying to get your Beloveds to pay attention to what you say.

I hope you’ll STAY TUNED  for the remainder of the articles in this Series.

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About Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC
Award-winning ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching field co-founder; [life] Coaching pioneer -- Neurodiversity Advocate, Coach, Mentor & Poster Girl -- Multi-Certified -- 25 years working with EFD [Executive Functioning disorders] and struggles in hundreds of people from all walks of life. I developed and delivered the world's first ADD-specific coach training curriculum: multi-year, brain-based, and ICF Certification tracked. In addition to my expertise in ADD/EF Systems Development Coaching, I am known for training and mentoring globally well-informed ADD Coach LEADERS with the vision to innovate, many of the most visible, knowledgeable and successful ADD Coaches in the field today (several of whom now deliver highly visible ADD coach trainings themselves). For almost a decade, I personally sponsored and facilitated seven monthly, virtual and global, no-charge support and information groups The ADD Hours™ - including The ADD Expert Speakers Series, hosting well-known ADD Professionals who were generous with their information and expertise, joining me in my belief that "It takes a village to educate a world." I am committed to being a thorn in the side of ADD-ignorance in service of changing the way neurodiversity is thought about and treated - seeing "a world that works for everyone" in my lifetime. Get in touch when you're ready to have a life that works BECAUSE of who you are, building on strengths to step off that frustrating treadmill "when 'wanting to' just doesn't get it DONE!"

105 Responses to Learning to Work Around “Spacing Out”

  1. Pingback: Recent study shows ADD *IS* brain-based | ADD . . . and-so-much-more

  2. Wendy says:

    One thing about having hearing loss, I can always ask someone to repeat themselves and act like I just couldn’t hear them well enough. Ha!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A lot of food for thought here. I am one who forgets why I came into a room to get something on a daily basis… I deliberately stay away from political debate but I believe that there are always lessons to be learned from our actions. There is great deal of good happening and new awareness in the world.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Me too, obviously. I’ve had to teach myself work-arounds, and a lot of what I share on ADDandSoMuchMORE.com comes from techniques I developed years ago, tried and true.

      We must all pick our battles. Mine center around Mental Health, so I DO get political there. Although it’s difficult for me not to ring in on a lot I see happening currently, I do my best to focus VERY few articles there.

      Thanks for visiting and taking the time to let me know you did. And NOW, my puppy TinkerToy and I are off to bed!! (almost 6AM here)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Liz says:

    I actually discussed this with my aunt last week, who is convinced she has dementia. I sent her the link.. Excellent research.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nice post! I really enjoyed the points on cognitive dissonance and politics. I think your points make so much sense – how could you reasonably expect anyone to admit they are wrong after being ridiculed by someone else? Yet ridiculing and shaming seems to be a “natural” reaction in a lot of us that we need to “un-learn.” Thanks for linking to my blog – really interesting to read your and others’ thoughts on this!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow! So many comments! Sometimes I confess I tune out from whatever my mum is trying to tell. E. I think it’s her tone. Or it’s her wanting or needing to browbeat me into submission. It’s awful……just awful.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. tmezpoetry says:

    “honey, I told you I was going to the store and to text me if you wanted something”. “The laundry is still in the washer?” “You didn’t hear what I just said did you?” Geesh, I live with a saint. Prior to that life actually felt like purgatory lol.

    And as far as cognitive dissonance, man I see it in the forums. But they do have a forum now that is a safe place for people who voted for Trump and now has major regrets. But still oh so depressing that it got this far when we all warned about him. Keep up the good fight Madelyn, we need each other through this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • LOVE the fact that there is a safe space forum for those with regrets. I’m sure they must be suffering in ways those of us who did not cannot really understand. How courageous of them – and intellectually honest.

      They are certainly entitled to be protected from the scorn of those whose thinking is still in the grip of cognitive dissonance – AND from those who can’t put down their shame or “I told you so” megaphones.

      Laundry – lol. “But you said it would be okay for me to put your wet clothes in the basket so I could ‘play through’ ” – as the one who answers without awareness stares at the mildew, dumping the mess back to wash a second time!

      Liked by 1 person

      • tmezpoetry says:

        Yeah, I think the forum is great also, a healing process for those deceived. Girl, wash he second time? Try third and fourth haha

        Liked by 1 person

        • I once lived with a man who seemed constitutionally incapable of getting his wash out of the dryer before it mildewed. One time I actually decided that I had to run the washer through a cycle BEFORE I could put my own clothes in. (I suppose if that was the worst thing he ever did we’d still be together, however.) 🙂

          How did you run across that forum?

          Liked by 1 person

          • tmezpoetry says:

            Why thats why I’m longer in charge of the laundry, it’s one of my worst domestic plights. The forum was mentioned on Twitter through a tag. I can’t remember the tag name now but it can be googled.

            Liked by 1 person

            • I don’t tweet, so I don’t even know how it works. How do they mark things private there? I thought anyone could use a hashtag.

              SMART to divide chores by cognitive as well as functional abilities. I am always stunned when my female clients complain about overdue bills and late fees, yet don’t take over the task, stuck in the idea that because their father paid the bills, it is their husband’s responsibility.

              Liked by 1 person

            • tmezpoetry says:

              For adhd’ers Twitter is a magnet. I didn’t know how to tweet until last year really. For me, that is where I keep up on online media in list. TV news stations are horrible with broader, worldwide news. It gets to be like a hole one fell into with only seeing Trump haha. Eeeek

              Liked by 1 person

            • That magnet idea is only one reason I have been avoiding Twitter. I thought I’d never escape the Pinterest tractor beam! And let’s not even talk about Facebook. lol

              Still, anything I have to do on a smartphone, working with a tiny screen and hunting and pecking on an even tinier keyboard, is *never* going to be attractive in my reality.

              Liked by 1 person

            • tmezpoetry says:

              Hahaha true. I actually need to step away from all the political stuff for a bit as the vast loading of news/political information that is repetitive and framed is creating connotational clashes with words in poems – such as fact/lie/etc. Read a poem this morning and it hit me that the attribution of those words in poems were becoming polarized. Here is the poem I am talking about:
              A More Immediate Sieve

              My mind went to political. It was then I realized how fused my associations were getting just on buzz words.

              Liked by 1 person

            • I share your reaction to “buzz words” – I outlined my thinking about them some time ago on my “ADD or ADHD – What’s in a NAME??” page. I’m not always successful, but I try to keep my thinking a bit more on the conscious side.

              It works differently in poetry, I believe – where I would imagine you’d WANT to tap into the unconscious. I’ll go take a look at your link as soon as I work my way down the comments blogroll.
              xx, mgh

              Liked by 1 person

  8. Alex Sarll says:

    Hmm I know what you’re talking about when you talk about a wandering mind.. I sometimes really struggle to remember things which people say to me, however much I really want to remember! I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia 12 years ago, and whilst have made a pretty awesome recovery I still suffer mind blips, when nothing in my head seems to work as it should. YOu site seems really interesting, and I’m looking forward to checking out more from it at some point. Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Congratulations on your continued recovery. It’s one of the toughest disorders to manage – but I’m sure I’m not telling YOU anything new, Alex.

      There is a great deal of overlap between other ADD/EFD challenges and the ones you face – same neurotransmitter systems involved – so I hope you will take the time to come back and nose around. I’m sure you will find a few things that will be enlightening and helpful.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Alex Sarll says:

        Thanks very much- and no, you are not telling me anything new! I’m lucky enough to have a close friend who I actually met in a hospital.. and we were talking today about how bloomin mind f*** baffling the disease can be at times.. it really can be a struggle to live with I’ll tell you! I have to confess, I don’t know very much about the brain chemisty, and would like to know more, so yes I will definitely check out more of your site. I hope to keep in touch!

        Liked by 1 person

        • The adult son of a close friend struggled as well, so I have had a much closer look at many of the challenges than many. His were exacerbated by an extreme and ineffectively medicated anxiety disorder, and complicated by many years of misdiagnosis — which makes me want to shoot his doctor, supposedly an “expert.”

          Simply put, more than an over or under-supply of the neurotransmitters themselves (which is problematic enough), it’s the impact on neuron connectivity that seems to cause many of the symptoms. Certain pathways don’t work as designed.

          There are quite a few studies in the last few years that look promising for schizophrenia, however. They are getting closer to understanding what’s up – and chasing down how to work around it.

          You probably know, too, that accepting the diagnosis in the first place is the first step that many cannot get outside their delusions to do. So you and your friend are WAY ahead of the game already. Glad to read that you are open to more info.



  9. Wendy says:

    Wonderful post, as usual.
    The items listed for missing things because of tuning out, and how you reacted, is much like having hearing loss. I think I hear things, but I’m wrong. I don’t hear things, but pretend I do, because I’m tired of saying “What?”
    Great points about shaming, and contradicting people. We need to find common ground.
    Read a report yesterday that said Trump doesn’t like his new job.
    Maybe he’ll quit. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh Wendy, I hope whatever it was you read turns out to be true – and that he DOES step down (tho’ I doubt we’ll like The Pencil any better, at least he seems to be hateful and SANE!)

      I can’t even imagine staying tracked without being able to HEAR what is being said. Truly, I don’t know how you do it.

      Glad you’re feeling well enough to visit. You are in my prayers, I hope you know.


  10. dgkaye says:

    United we stand my friend, divided we fall. And I loved this line in particular “In order to remember something, it must have been registered —” Hearing is not listening. 🙂 xo

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Certainly stand with US citizens although I also despair at Australian politics as well. Thank you for this post. Unity in the face of tyrant so important xx

    Liked by 1 person

  12. omtatjuan3 says:

    Great post… I have a few of these qualities, notice I say qualities

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Zara says:

    A friend of mine used to space out and we got really worried about him. Turns out he needed hearing aids and couldn’t engage with us because he had no idea what we were saying! Hearing aids changed his life! He doesn’t space out so much any more (unless he wants to NOT listen to us 🙂 )

    Liked by 2 people

  14. My step mom (the 60’s model on my blog) and I were just discussing the issue you brought up in the beginning of this article. The “i don’t remember this & that” and she worries about Alzheimer’s. But I was rationalizing, that if we aren’t concentrating on the issue at hand, it’s almost impossible to remember those things. Right?

    I used to lock my keys in the car, more than once when I was a young pup. But do you know what I do now? Pretty much every time, I get out of the car, I ask myself, do I have my keys? I haven’t locked them in there in ages!!!

    The don’t make people wrong part is quite interesting, Madelyn! I’m going to have to work on that because it’s a smart approach to absolutely everything!
    talk tomorrow!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lovely comment, Jodi. My advice – in addition to making yourself check for important things like keys (good job!) – is to *always* do it the same way, so it gets into body memory and you develop a habit. Auto-pilot has saved my bacon many times in my life!

      For example, I *always* use my turn signal, even when my young friends make fun of me, saying that I don’t have to signal leaving my parking space on an empty side-street. I need to keep that habit in place – I don’t WANT it to be a factor of conscious decision.

      Remind your mom that short-term memory deficits as we age are fairly common. It seems to scare those who have been lucky enough NOT to have life-long struggles the most. Unless either of you are noticing other signs and symptoms, she’s probably fine – and merely needs to develop “compensatory strategies.” (and eat more GRAPES, lol)

      I’m looking forward to planning-our-game: 6pm my time – 4 yours – and you call me, right?

      Liked by 1 person

  15. This article was written about us, lol… “Have you ever gone into another room only to wonder what you went there to do?” You mean this happens to others too, lol.

    In all seriousness Madelyn, this is an awesome article. So well presented and illustrated. There was not a paragraph that didn’t hit home for us.

    Keep up your works and as I have noted before you are making a difference!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. mistermuse says:

    Trying to change the minds of those who are “wrong” reminds me of the old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink” — the difference being that those who disagree with me are jackasses, not horses (just kidding — or am I?). 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. -Eugenia says:

    Brilliant and I so enjoy your posts as I learn from them.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Lucy Brazier says:

    Brilliant, as ever. I particularly like the ‘mind-wandering’ bit – that is me all over! I put it down to having a ‘creative’ disposition, but I have found that lots of highly academic and intellectual people do it too. Whether it is that some people have so much going on in their minds, or that day-to-day reality is just too boring to hold their attention – it is certainly something that is very annoying and I must work on!

    I agree completely with what you say about not making people wrong. I trained in tactical communications (and later became a trainer myself) and always, always finding the common ground is key. So very few people ever take kindly to being called wrong!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I always look forward to your visits, Lucy – so thanks so much for continuing to take the time to read and comment.

      FIRST, I can’t really say from here, but I’m guessing that your challenge with “wandering mind” has more to do with all the items on your plate, coupled with high intelligence than much of anything else. You have more what I would call “busy brain syndrome” lol – as, “under the table,” your brain thinks of ways to forward stories in process, a few ideas for a new novel, a topic or two for your next blog article on a couple of sites, your next video, AND whatever it is you are doing at work or at home.

      High creative/high intelligence usually combine to keep adding items to an overfull plate, practically unbidden. Given your output, my professional advice would probably be, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

      And yeah, I’ve never met anybody, actually, who won’t challenge somebody who makes them wrong. Even in situations where they can’t “talk back,” the challenge is in their heads, and nothing much gets in after that.

      Thanks for taking the time to stop by, read and comment.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lucy Brazier says:

        It’s always a pleasure to pop along here and join in the discussion! I think you’re right – it could be ‘busy brain’. It seems the more I have to think about, the more my brain comes up with! This works just fine most of the time and, thanks to you and your blog, I am now getting pretty good at spotting when it’s getting too much and need to take a break. I used to work and work until burn-out but I haven’t done that for MONTHS. You really have helped me become more self-aware and I know when to throw on the brakes, take a day or two out and relax before I crash. I cannot thank you enough, my dear friend!

        Liked by 1 person

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