Change, Growth and Decision Dilemmas


Decision Anxiety
Another glitch in the Change Management process

© Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CTP, CMC, ACT, MCC, SCAC
Edited reblog from an earlier post, Choices & Decisions

Chocolate, vanilla or tutti-frutti? Early Monday or late Thursday?
This drawer or that one?  Move away or stay put?
Have a baby, adopt a baby or remain a dual-income-no-kids couple?

Avoiding the Agony of Deciding

We each must make a great many decisions every single day.  A few of them we think about consciously and carefully, and some we make quickly and unconsciously – sometimes even really big and important ones.

Since our mental processes are subconsciously influenced by our emotions and memories, more frequently than not we remain oblivious to what really drives those decisions we make.

Then there are the many times we’re thrown into the agony of indecision – even between choices that are actually too small to, ultimately, make much of a difference in our lives.

Change, Growth & Decisions

There is no doubt that the process of change and growth would be easier if it were as predetermined and automatic as the metamorphosis from caterpillar to butterfly.

However, I can’t help but wonder if, were we humans relieved of the task of having to decide what comes next, we would be more comfortable with life’s changes or more frustrated by them.

As difficult as most of us find the process, it seems we are practically “hard-wired” with some kind of drive to exercise our free will.

  • Since early childhood, few of us have been especially happy when someone else tells us what we must do.
  • More than a few of us absolutely refuse to acquiesce. (Why else do you think we describe that particularly early transitional stage characterized by the single word NO! as “The Terrible Twos?”)

So how come so many of us AGONIZE when it comes time to decide?

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The Difficulty of Choosing our own Pathways

The Wikipedia article on decision-making tells us that, “In psychology, decision-making is regarded as the cognitive process resulting in the selection of a belief or a course of action among several alternative possibilities.

Every decision-making process produces a final choice that may or may not prompt action.”

Action?  Get into ACTION?!

Give me a break!  Before we can even begin to get into action, the first step is always the need to decide what might be the best thing for us to do first, and then attempt to figure out what we will be the best thing to do after that.

Superlatives like “best” and “first” generally give everybody pause, but
they can be complete stoppers for those in the EFD community.

Making Choices Conscious

I firmly believe that it is certainly within our power to make conscious choices and decisions that will lead to our greater well-being.

It may not be quite as simple as the productivity gurus make it out to be, but I know it can be done — with a bit of understanding of the process (and more than a bit of attention to it.)

Let’s begin by reviewing some concepts I explored with you in detail at the conclusion of an earlier blog post, Sherlocking Task Anxiety, a two-part article in my TaskMaster™ Series:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is essential to understand a fundamental, psychological truth about all human beings, ADD/EFD or not: we are conflicted about growth and change. At bottom, most of us crave safety as strongly as we crave freedom and adventure, although not in equal measure at all times and about all things.

The fact remains that there is a conflicted relationship between
making choices and preserving freedom.

Whenever we choose one thing over another, a great many alternative courses become closed to us, possibly forever. The sad reality is that ALL decisions close more doors than they open.

And THAT leads to feelings of anxiety
task anxiety, of course, but primarily decision anxiety.

We must learn to make peace with our conflicts, at least to the extent that we remain able to change and grow (and to accomplish much of anything) — if we are to continue to evolve into the human beings we were uniquely created to become.

We understand the import, so what’s the problem?

Duh!  “Importance” speaks to motivation – we need help with decision-making and ACTIVATION. That begins with understanding our stoppers, on the road to normalizing our behaviors (so that we can remove the self-flagellation that is a major impediment to action).

Normalizing our Reticence

On a level just below conscious awareness, we all buy into the mythology that there is a “right” way to do life that will, if we do it right, lay all of life’s goodies at our feet in a nice, neat row.

And if we do it REALLY right, getting the goodies will require
no input or assistance from anybody else.

Feeling like we might “blow it” is highly stressful for anyone, and especially so for those of us who seem to step into holes more often than our contemporaries. Attempting to soldier on alone in a valiant effort to avoid the internalized humiliation that comes from not understanding exactly how to accomplish what “everybody else” seems to do rather easily, we agonize.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yet Another Stopper

Rational decision making is a multi-step process.  It begins with problem identification and moves through solution selection, sifting through options on the way to making logically sound decisions.

OH NO!  Tiered tasks are the worst – they overwhelm us, decimating our resolve to get into action.

SO, rather than move directly into an action that might make a difference, we “procrastinate,” turning our attention to low-ROI activities [return on investment], spending our energies on things that really won’t, ultimately, make much of a difference.

Action by itself, however, is not the goal – it leaves us running around in circles – motions that don’t get us anywhere.

  • Ticking off an easy task or two on our to-do lists can be useful to create momentum.
  • Ticking off a bunch of of those tasks is a waste of time – despite what the “do anything that will take two minutes or less, without delay” advice might tell you.

Have they ever MET anyone in the EFD crowd?

We can spend entire days rapidly ticking off one relatively unimportant two-minute to-do after the other. Even Peter Drucker, touted management guru, admits that “there is nothing quite so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.”

Ways we make deciding more difficult

We don’t mean to make things harder – and we rarely believe we do.  Yet most of us have any number of unproductive habits that slow us down – and sometimes stop us completely.  Let’s take a look at three of the most common.

1. Lack of Sleep

Many of us with Alphabet Disorders have comorbid sleep disorders that leave us little choice, but there are many others who have a tendency to push through our sleep windows – doing our best to ignore the signals that we need to go to bed.

At other times we deliberately (or unconsciously) delay the onset of those signals in more than a few ways: caffeine, television watching or late-evening internet browsing, for example. Our alarms jolt us awake the following morning to make it to work on time, despite the reality that we’ve had “a short night.”

None of us make the best decisions, even when slightly sleep-deprived,
and most of us in today’s crazy/busy world are more than slightly sleep-deprived.

According to a Psychology Today article by Dennis Rosen M.D. [Making Important Decisions When Sleepy is Like Rolling Dice]

Researchers at Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital recently found that people who were sleep deprived performed less well on a standardized test simulating real-life decision making known as the Iowa Gambling Test than they had at baseline when they were well rested.

Even when given stimulants such as caffeine or amphetamines, the ability of the participants to make good decisions only returned to baseline after they had recovery sleep.

2. Black and White Thinking

According to author Kirsten Vala, in another article from Psychology Today [Choking on Choice?], there are two different types of decision-makers: “maximizers” and “satisficers.”

Maximizers consider every possible option, and “satisficers” keep checking out options until they find one that is good enough.

Guess which ones WE tend to be?

Vala says, “There may be people out there who try to maximize on everything and, in the process, end up making decisions that don’t satisfy what they’re looking for. These people will, literally, never be satisfied.”

When we continue to be dissatisfied with our decisions, they are all that much tougher to make.

Here is the unvarnished truth

We simply cannot give every element of our lives our 100% best efforts — NOBODY has that kind of time.  If we expect to be even marginally successful, we need to maximize only those most important elements of our lives.

If you’re struggling attempting to decide what those most important elements are, try a technique I often use with my clients: play the All-NO-Week game to help clarify, saying NO to everything new that crosses your path, and refusing to do more than a C-minus job on anything else. Really!

Your most important elements are the areas where you absolutely REFUSE to play!

3. Giving too much weight to discomfort

Many of us tend to RUN, metaphorically, at the first sign of emotional discomfort. Most of the time we don’t even give those feelings a chance to subside, much less expend the energy to push through them.

If we want our lives to be productive, we simply MUST be willing to push through more than a few feelings that are uncomfortable.

The fact that we are conflicted about change means that we must expect the BIG decisions to be initially uncomfortable, which arms us against those feelings somewhat.

What we also must understand is that the same unease can accompany even the smallest of decisions – especially when we are overwhelmed with choices, or when we have attached a great deal of import to the outcome of those choices.

Since we want the BEST outcome, we want to make the best decisions about each and every little item that leads us in that direction.

We tend to interpret that feeling of discomfort as a signal to take a second look at our decisions (and hyperfocus on making the right decision), usually doing something else while we’re thinking: decision anxiety rather than truly procrastination.

Think about THAT the next time you’re agonizing over straightening up your home office (or anything else). Maybe it will help you push through to that bigger decision you’re avoiding.

Let good enough be good

According to business author Barry Schwartz, it’s better to settle for “good enough” most of the time. Lower expectations lead to fewer regrets. resulting in greater happiness levels for people who “settle.”

He and I both believe that considering every single option is rarely necessary, and needs to be reserved for life’s most important decisions.

Ultimately, it’s more important to maximize happiness than options.

Need some help making decisions or prioritizing actions?
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About Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC
Award-winning ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching field co-founder; [life] Coaching pioneer -- Neurodiversity Advocate, Coach, Mentor & Poster Girl -- Multi-Certified -- 25 years working with EFD [Executive Functioning disorders] and struggles in hundreds of people from all walks of life. I developed and delivered the world's first ADD-specific coach training curriculum: multi-year, brain-based, and ICF Certification tracked. In addition to my expertise in ADD/EF Systems Development Coaching, I am known for training and mentoring globally well-informed ADD Coach LEADERS with the vision to innovate, many of the most visible, knowledgeable and successful ADD Coaches in the field today (several of whom now deliver highly visible ADD coach trainings themselves). For almost a decade, I personally sponsored and facilitated seven monthly, virtual and global, no-charge support and information groups The ADD Hours™ - including The ADD Expert Speakers Series, hosting well-known ADD Professionals who were generous with their information and expertise, joining me in my belief that "It takes a village to educate a world." I am committed to being a thorn in the side of ADD-ignorance in service of changing the way neurodiversity is thought about and treated - seeing "a world that works for everyone" in my lifetime. Get in touch when you're ready to have a life that works BECAUSE of who you are, building on strengths to step off that frustrating treadmill "when 'wanting to' just doesn't get it DONE!"

48 Responses to Change, Growth and Decision Dilemmas

  1. Pingback: Habit Formation BASICS | ADD . . . and-so-much-more

  2. I have a hard time making decisions especially if faced with multiple choices. I do much better shopping in small stores and am overwhelmed in big box stores or salvage stores where you have to paw through piles of things to find the one good thing that might be worth buying. I like the idea of feeling good about ‘good enough.’ Sometimes wanting everything to be perfect ruins a perfectly good experience. Interesting post. Found you on #senior salon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the visit – and for taking the time to ring in. I’m with you in the big store overwhelm. I can’t rush through the big stores – or shop with much intentionality, but if I have time to simply wander, I enjoy them from time to time. Like a tourist.

      Most of the time I do much better in the smaller stores where I can find what I’m looking for and don’t get lost – lol.

      As for decisions – I teach what I’ve had to learn (and am still teaching myself, for the most part). I have strong opinions, but I am not what anyone would call “decisive.” 🙂
      xx,
      mgh

      Liked by 1 person

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  7. dgkaye says:

    Brilliant analysis and love your bite-sized chunks of logic. 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much – especially for slinging the “b”word in my direction!!! 🙂
      xx,
      mgh

      Liked by 1 person

      • dgkaye says:

        🙂 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Reblogged this on Kate McClelland.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do NOT know how you do it, Kate. I *just* finished reading another post you reblogged, and responding on another still (ellenbest24), and by the time I got back you were at it again – this time on MY post (and I’m so very grateful).

      As I said to Ellen, I read fast, but I stand in your shadow.
      xx,
      mgh

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hahaha I’m in super read mode at the moment. With no interruptions I can read really fast!

        Liked by 1 person

        • CLEARLY. You type faster too. (I *must* replace this sticky keyboard). 🙂
          xx,
          mgh

          Liked by 1 person

          • Lol!

            Liked by 1 person

  9. Terrific post Madelyn. I hope your 2017 is off to a great start. Mega hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Teagan – love your stuff as well, and ditto re: 2017. We’re both overdue for some big-time ease, yes?

      xx,
      mgh

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes times a million. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh, my gosh, this offering is beyond comprehensive…your generosity is awe-inspiring….so articulate, yet easy to understand, you break everything down in manageable and easy to climb building blocks….this is just really, really great and so very professional…I can only imagine how much time and effort went into this, thanks for sharing! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well you just made MY day! What a generous comment. Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to leave some motivating words that will serve to keep me keepin’ on.

      What’s crazy is that research and creation are usually relatively quick and easy compared to editing and formatting – fighting with the platform to get things web published in a digestible format for the many who read the articles here, despite the fact that they struggle with reading without more than a bit of consideration to the format.

      Unfortunately, it seems to me, the WordPress fairies seem to have few problems with change. (Maybe because they skip over the “decide” and head straight for the “do”). 🙂

      xx,
      mgh

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m happy to know I can do any little thing to brighten your day…thank you for enriching mine 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • You are truly wonderful. If I am not already following you, I will correct that post haste!
          xx,
          mgh

          Liked by 1 person

          • You are following me and I am following you….rest assured, I will make a point of looking out for you 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

            • Ditto! Thanks again.
              xx,
              mgh

              Liked by 1 person

  11. Bernadette says:

    A lot of interesting information in this post. I recently had a conversation about decision making and apparently there is a study that says most of our decision making is done based on subliminal information even in the face of facts that are presented. Interesting.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Both “in the face of” and DESPITE facts that are presented. More and more studies confirming that finding, btw – some explained on this blog too – only one is “Confirmation Bias & The Tragedy of Certainty.” (will come back to add a link, can’t do from this screen) — DONE!

      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, Bernadette.
      xx,
      mgh

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Such good sense and so easy to relate to 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Jo. Glad to see you over here. I’m hoping that means your energy is returning.

      I recently came across some new and encouraging study report on cancer and high-dose vitamin C you will probably be interested in reading. (intravenous only).

      Once I relocate the link, I’ll come back and leave it as an additional comment – don’t like to leave links on other people’s blogs.
      xx,
      mgh
      ~~~~~~~~~
      Added below as well – for some reason WordPress didn’t put my 2nd reply in this thread and I don’t want anyone else interested in reading to have to go hunt for it

      Here the link
      Why High Dose Vitamin C Kills Cancer Cells

      You would probably be interested in Ralph’s blog anyway (clinicalnews.org, if you aren’t already following – he is one of my resources. Since many of his posts are in what most folks call “plain English” (as is this one) – they are quick and easy to scan to stay current.
      xx,
      mgh
      Why High Dose Vitamin C Kills Cancer

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Going crazy! Or getting ready to Toss my Cookies, as you would say! Yes, I’m looking to move house again!!! Do I go down to a 1 b’room? And give away all my belongings? It will be a little cheaper but I will be miserable……what to do? What to do? Or pay the increase again? And stay……………….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sorry, not much help here – I’m looking at the same decision myself.

      I DESPISE moving, but my landlord is making it tough for me to remain – and not just financially (tho’ they continue to up the rent, water, pet fee, etc). They have been pressuring me to sign a new lease since the end of last year (even tho’ this one is not up until May!!) – which locks me in for more than another year.

      I have WAY too much to do before I could move, anyway (and haven’t decided yet where I want to go – another same-city move would just be dumb!)

      Even if I could get it together by the end of April (doubtful sans some sort of financial miracle), if I don’t sign they say they are going to start showing the place (??!) Like I really need people tromping thru as I’m tying to focus.

      So I’m leaning toward sticking it out as I set things in motion to be able to leave within 30 days (notice *I* must give, so says the lease!) — and have things together enough to be able to tolerate their tromping when they they do it again next year.

      Sheesh! Decisions are tough enough without complications from others, right?

      That’s MY current thinking, if that was any help at all.
      xx,
      mgh

      Liked by 1 person

      • That is horrible! Do you not have any rights as a tenant?

        Liked by 1 person

        • Who knows? It’s state by state, often city by city. Whatever, notices like theirs are enough to shut me down – less capable of checking out the applicable laws.
          xx,
          mgh

          Like

  14. Lucy Brazier says:

    I do love your posts, I always see so much of myself in them and they never fail to offer a little guidance when I need it most. I am in one of my especially creative periods at the moment – working on the new book, my two blogs and a little novella that is just for my own amusement. Yesterday I was approached by a successful journalist-turned-author about working on a joint project. The initial idea was right up my street – a thriller based around the legend of the Knights Templar. But if I take on any more right at the moment I know that I will either burn out or commit the greatest crime I could against myself – not being able to give it 100%. So I said no (for now). It was a tough decision but the right one. As much as I want to do it all, I can’t, and it’s important to realise that 🙂
    xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Lucy. I go back and read my own stuff when I need a little guidance myself – lol.

      You did the right thing – I hope this article helped you feel better about it. If it’s “meant to be” it will keep until the time is better. I don’t know how you do all you do ALREADY!

      I know that writing is one of those “most important” things where you will always “refuse to play the game.” No use pretending otherwise.

      xx,
      mgh

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lucy Brazier says:

        You are exactly right – if it is meant to be then it will wait until I am ready. Writing and working are something of a compulsion with me so I must be careful not to let it all take over. I do feel better about saying ‘no’. And you’re right – I will never ‘play the game’!!
        xx

        Liked by 1 person

        • STILL, saying yes to some things always means saying no to others – much as we hate it. We have to spend our yes-es where they really count and make friends with “playing the game” with everything else. For those things, this needs to be our new motto: a thing worth doing is worth doing ANY way we can get it off our plates! We “straight-A” kids usually do more when we do a “C” job than a lot of folks do for their “As” anyway.
          xx,
          mgh

          Liked by 1 person

          • Lucy Brazier says:

            Just gotta keep on keepin’ on! 😉
            xx

            Liked by 1 person

            • YEP! One toe at a time. 🙂
              xx,
              mgh

              Liked by 1 person

  15. Zainab Zahid says:

    You explain everything so well that everyone can relate to it!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I sure hope you’re right about “everyone” – but I’m so glad it makes sense to YOU. Thanks for letting me know.
      xx,
      mgh

      Liked by 1 person

      • Zainab Zahid says:

        I’m sure that “Everyone” who reads it can relate to it

        Liked by 1 person

        • You are a doll! (we seem to keep the same hours too – lol)
          xx,
          mgh

          Liked by 1 person

          • Zainab Zahid says:

            Lolx.yes we do. I would actually like to talk to you!!! You seem like “my” kind of person.

            Liked by 1 person

            • I’m sure we’d find we have much in common. I’m following you now, so I’ll be over to your neck of the woods more often (now that your posts will appear in my Reader — I need the mind jog) 🙂
              xx,
              mgh

              Liked by 1 person

            • Zainab Zahid says:

              Thankyou so much. Very kind of you! 😍

              Liked by 1 person

            • You’re welcome, but following is not so much kind as smart! I love following folks who think like I do. I always learn something new from them.

              We all see things from slightly different perspectives, and new ways of looking at similar things always helps me better focus on what matters.
              xx,
              mgh

              Liked by 1 person

    • Here the link, Jo:
      Why High Dose Vitamin C Kills Cancer Cells

      You would probably be interested in Ralph’s blog anyway (clinicalnews.org, if you aren’t already following – he is one of my resources. Since many of his posts are in what most folks call “plain English” (as is this one) – they are quick and easy to scan to stay current.
      xx,
      mgh

      Like

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