Top 10 Reasons Why Summer Needs to take Early Retirement


It’s been a fine affair
(But now it’s over)

© Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CTP, CMC, ACT, MCC, SCAC

Swan Song for Summer?

It’s barely June and already I yearn for September’s end.

What is it they say about dead fish and houseguests? It’s been a fortnight more than three days since the temperature curdled.

My house fairly reeks of summer.

If it were to last but a single month, summer might be grudgingly acceptable, if only to keep peace between the much-anticipated spring and the loveliness of  autumn.

But someone simply must tell it firmly that four entire months of summer is really three too long.

I’m here to state the arguments for same.

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My Top Ten Reasons why Summer really needs to take a hike

  1. It’s hot, not wishing to overstate the obvious. TOO hot. Not simply hot, but H-O-T! Mad dogs and Englishmen may well be advised to avoid the midday sun, but once summer descends there is not a single hour of daylight fit for man nor beast to venture forth, mad or otherwise.

Until it’s almost midnight, even my puppy wants to come back inside the moment he’s relieved himself. In case you haven’t noticed, as an old show-biz song reminds us all, it’s too darned HOT.

  1. It’s enervating. My brain is melting like Jello in the desert; I can barely think at all. I have no reserves of energy for moving my body, beyond that which is absolutely essential. I get behinder every day that summer lingers.

Yep! That’s what summer’s always like for those of us who are heat-defensive.  Things are even WORSE for those with sensory sensitivity challenges of other types.

  1. It’s greasy. Sweat and sunscreen – what a concept! Scalps sweat too, ya’ know, so we all have to stock up on shampoo and conditioner and buy extra towels.  Not to mention that it’s a protracted bad hair day for the entire slimy season.
  1. It’s a housekeeping nightmare. Shoeless outside – bare feet on the furniture inside. Need I say more?

And then there’s the sand and dirt dragged in by those summer-lovin’ fools who actually think it’s great to play outside. Who has the energy to vacuum night and day?

And how ’bout that laundry? Soggy towels and sweaty, greasy clothing mound quickly, and laundry is a hot and dirty task (maybe once it cools down a bit?)

  1. It’s nasty. On the one hand, you can barely open your mouth to subtly hint that summer’s not your fav without an angry mob surrounding you to say how much they love this miserable season. On the other, tempers flair in the heat: drive v-e-r-y carefully and, if you value your ear-drums and your life, make sure you don’t linger longer than a nano-second once the light turns green.
  1. It’s buggy. I’m all for appreciating God’s creatures great and small, as long as they don’t attempt to make a meal of my blood. Or buzz around my head when I’m trying to sleep — or breathe. Or when they persuade all their little friends to march over hill and dale in one straight line to join my picnic on those rare days when the temperature dips below pizza oven. And the bugs that are the size of small Range Rovers.

And my poor little pooch! Not exactly crazy about baths, a weekly dip in Dawn is the only way to beat back the fleas that lie in wait outside the door, hoping to hitch a ride inside to feast on me as well.

  1. It’s fattening. Think about the food that arrives in summer’s luggage, all because it is too hot to cook inside. Ice cream and frozen yogurt with toppings. Hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill, fried chicken, ribs, and pizza by delivery. Potato and macaroni salad slathered with mayo, deviled eggs, chips with dip. Carnival food — those yummie walk-and-nibble deep-fried don’ts. Strawberry shortcake and icebox goodies slathered with whipped cream — calorie laden, each and every dish.

And then there’s beer. And what about those frosty frozen drinks packed with sugar? And milkshakes, colas, flavored iced-coffees and super-sized slushies. Oh sure there are garden salads and watermelon, but who can live for four solid months on those alone?

  1. It’s expensive. Gas prices rise to second mortgage levels just at the time when your gas mileage creeps ever downward thanks to the omnipresent air conditioning left running with the car in park until the steering wheel is cool enough to touch and you can buckle your seatbelt without branding yourself.

If you failed to test your AC as the snow began to melt, good luck getting an appointment for repair – and get ready for sticker shock whether you decide to repair or replace.

Of course, you can always escape the heat by seeking out restaurants, bars and movie houses with central air set to a cool and comfortable temperature — as long as you’re a wealthy Eskimo. Otherwise, pack a sweater (and don’t expect to stay inside without taking out the plastic).

Speaking of air-conditioning, has anybody had the nerve to open their electric bills yet?

  1. It’s noisy. Since they refuse to make it a law that everyone with power tools must mow and whack and blow on a certain day of the week between 2 and 4 in the afternoon or be forced to lay down astro-turf, none of us can escape the racket — or sleep past 6AM when the lawn-obsessed begin their ministrations.

The air becomes unbreathable, ever-choked with sinus-clogging grass fumes, formerly fertilized for some unfathomable reason that defies logic itself, to promote growth! If it seems that lawns are God’s little joke on mankind, power mowers, hedge trimmers, weed whackers and detritus blowers are surely the contributions of the devil himself.

By night there is the bass driven cacophony of music from the yard parties and alcohol sodden affairs thrown by the boom-box wielding younger set for whom en-masse screaming seems to be a sign of a really great party. It may well be grand fun if you are 18, hot and horny, and have an invite (or a pool), but otherwise – it works your nerves. (I live right across the street from an immense private, off-campus dorm complex, so believe me, I can tell you more than you want to know about that last one).

And then there are sounds of assault rifles for the entire month of July.  I’m not alluding to the pretty fireworks with muffled booms as they explode into flowers of ooh-ahh loveliness on the 4th.

It’s those noisy, ever-present pop-pop-pop-pop ones I object to — the ones that sound like a regiment down the street is hell-bent on frightening small dogs and veterans with PTSD with the sheer sound and fury of their need to disturb the peace.

  1. And finally, it’s unattractive. I mean, seriously, have you really looked at summer clothes? Limp and tattered rags of sweat-drenched cotton passing for tops. Belly-button baring pants, whacked off at fanny level. Shoes that are barely more than soles with straps exposing far too many toes in serious need of a pedicure. Except for the ubiquitous baseball caps, I do appreciate the hats . . . and the sunglasses, okay? But where does fashion hide until the return of a clime hospitable to actual clothing?

Fashionable or un, there is rarely anything at all suitable for anyone over the age of puberty, at least not without looking like an aging Woodstock refugee or an over-the-hill lady of the evening. And since it’s too darned HOT for more covered up fare, it will always be ugly out there in the summer. Look around next time you venture out.

Anyway, no matter what you decide to put on your body, you’re never actually comfortable in the heat. I agree with Katie Heaney, “There are no legal outfits small enough.” Even inside, there’s only so naked you can get – and isn’t that a pretty sight for most of us?

Summer begone – you’ve outstayed your welcome

Make way for crisp, cashmere sweater weather, and the cozy style of autumn clothing. FALL! The season when denim comes out of hiding, fashion boots come out of closets, fireplaces inspire curling up under comfy throws, and we can all use our ovens once again.

Doesn’t early retirement sound lovely? Go spend the remainder of your days on some island near the equator where you will be loved and appreciated. You really needn’t stay where you’re not really wanted.

In case I haven’t made myself perfectly clear,
Get outa’ here already!

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About Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC
Award-winning ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching field co-founder; [life] Coaching pioneer -- Neurodiversity Advocate, Coach, Mentor & Poster Girl -- Multi-Certified -- 25 years working with EFD [Executive Functioning disorders] and struggles in hundreds of people from all walks of life. I developed and delivered the world's first ADD-specific coach training curriculum: multi-year, brain-based, and ICF Certification tracked. In addition to my expertise in ADD/EF Systems Development Coaching, I am known for training and mentoring globally well-informed ADD Coach LEADERS with the vision to innovate, many of the most visible, knowledgeable and successful ADD Coaches in the field today (several of whom now deliver highly visible ADD coach trainings themselves). For almost a decade, I personally sponsored and facilitated seven monthly, virtual and global, no-charge support and information groups The ADD Hours™ - including The ADD Expert Speakers Series, hosting well-known ADD Professionals who were generous with their information and expertise, joining me in my belief that "It takes a village to educate a world." I am committed to being a thorn in the side of ADD-ignorance in service of changing the way neurodiversity is thought about and treated - seeing "a world that works for everyone" in my lifetime. Get in touch when you're ready to have a life that works BECAUSE of who you are, building on strengths to step off that frustrating treadmill "when 'wanting to' just doesn't get it DONE!"

37 Responses to Top 10 Reasons Why Summer Needs to take Early Retirement

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  8. ericb85 says:

    Oh yeah – in total agreement! Most afternoons I’d favor a shower with a FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!
    😛

    Like

  9. noelleg44 says:

    I’m with you on the greasy and buggy part – I hate sunscreen and worry about mosquitoes, plus having just bee bitten three times by wasps (witness a swollen, hot, itchy and painful elbow), I’m on a one woman rampage against them. But summer is when I can get into my pool every single day for exercise and I love it. Spring is always waiting for the time when I can swim, and fall is always the time waiting until I can’t swim.
    I think because the South is so A/C’d, we are accustomed to the heat.
    Thanks for stopping by my blog! This post was great fun!

    Like

    • Thanks for returning the favor – glad to hear you have a way of beating the heat in the summer.

      I loved to swim as a kid, but became temperature/change-defensive as I grew up and my system couldn’t handle the shock. Bizarre, but a heated pool would have worked better for me – and NOBODY heats a pool in the summer! 🙂 I spent quite a bit of time in the South myself – and I never, never, never became accustomed to the heat. When I was in grad school in New Orleans I spent as much time as possible in the A/C, but could barely make it from my air conditioned house to my air conditioned car to my my air conditioned univ. office without practically fainting.

      I got curious about you from your comments on PorterGirl, so jumped over to your blog to take a look. Taking the suggestion from your “bio” page, I looked you up. What an unexpected mid-life makeover you’ve undertaken! Congratulations on your courage and best wishes for your continued success.
      xx,
      mgh

      Like

      • noelleg44 says:

        Gosh, I am honored that you took so much time to look me up! I am giving some brief excerpts of my third book to drum up interest – out next month – along with my usual book reviews. Come visit any time. And don’t you just love Lucy?

        Like

        • I’ll be heading your way for a little interest drumming shortly. I’ve been stuck in a non-fiction/neuroscience groove for a l-o-n-g time, until Lucy took pity and enrolled me at Old College. I’m now a PorterGirl addict.

          I’m looking forward to those excerpts!
          xx,
          mgh

          Like

          • noelleg44 says:

            I am definitely addicted. I told Lucy I was going to write her into my next book!

            Liked by 1 person

            • Well that would be fun! I just told her I had to wait until Fall to have enough of a brain on board for Finnegan. Now that I’ve run through PorterGirl online, I’ll have a bit of time to read your excerpts (as long as they are not overly complex, intellectually – truly, my brain melts in the heat!)

              I’m probably not the only one – after all, why else an entire category of novels designated “beach reads?”

              xx,
              mgh

              Like

  10. swamiyesudas says:

    Hello, Madelyn! Here are my own two bits worth:

    You have hit it on the nail in Your reason no. 2. …My Brain has Already turned to Jello, which is Why I dish out such terrible posts! 🙂

    And Whoever that Dear Actress/Model is, she is winning Already. You see, I have enough energy Only to breathe; I can’t even blink! 🙂

    Greasy? Right! The Scalp Sweating? Right! …I have one further problem, which I will share if You Promise Not to Laugh: The Sweat on my Scalp attracts …Flies! 😦

    As for ACs, I have beat it finally this year with my Own Air Cooler. As in my Next post. It cost me all of …200 rupees!

    Hearty Regards. If You decide to form a Battalion to Beat the Heat, Count me In! 🙂

    Like

  11. Stop Talking! It’s the start of winter here in Melbourne! I don’t cope in 40 degree summer either but winter means Unberella or walking stick. Kinda need my walking stick so I get wet. Start counting down the days. Visit the cool isle in your supermarket & put your back against a freezer door. I know. Just do it! Your welcome!

    Like

    • Ouch! Wet in “winter” weather sounds dreadful. We get snow — wet doesn’t usually happen until we come back into the warm. I wear a hat with a brim and a long raincoat with zip in liner for the rare winter rains because I really dislike walking with one hand aloft. I never thought about those who *cannot* carry an umbrella (or have to choose between walking and staying dry) .

      I empathize with a lot of your reality from my [still feels recent] 3-month stint when my crushed dominant hand was in an immobilizing cast – I truly don’t know how you deal with “longer” and stay sane.

      Zippers? You’ve got to be kidding – it was a project to pull up my own pants one-handed!! If it hadn’t been for sweatpants with elastic waistbands I would probably have foregone pants entirely – and shoes had to be slip on – no boots! Can openers? pah! I could barely open a jar with a lid. And now lets [not] talk about getting in and out of the bathtub without slipping and falling!

      I have little personal experience of the outdoors until that particular ordeal was coming to a close and spring was peeking around the corner. For most of it I couldn’t risk venturing forth, lest I slip and do further damage. The rigors of the outdoor life were totally beyond me without help of the kind I didn’t have (the landlord didn’t de-ice the steps leading from lobby to landing, never mind the drive or walkway to the street).

      So things could be worse than brain melt, I know.

      But this was supposed to be a Monday Rant to relieve the pressure in my cooker, hoping to provide a bit of comic relief from the articles I’ve been posting lately. Even though I accidentally hit the wrong prompt and published it before its time, I was too darned hot to remember that, for folks on the other half of the planet, summer meant something entirely different.

      I finally got my A/C working yesterday, pounding the keyboard as a small fan dried the sweat from my feverish brow as the apartment was cooling — still hot enough I had to set a fan on the floor for my dog! (I have severe grass allergies, so when the mowers are active I must choose between breathing and opening the windows.)

      NOW I’m waiting for a cool (ish) day to drive my car to the mechanic to get the car AC working once more. THEN I’ll take your suggestion about spending a lot of time in the frozen food aisle of my grocery store.

      Meanwhile, I still wish I could talk summer into taking early retirement! Not much I like about the season. Thanks for ringing in.
      xx,
      mgh

      Like

  12. PorterGirl says:

    Haha! 😀 What you need is a good, old-fashioned British summer. When it is hot, the humidity is such that you can barely breath, but there are only about three days like that a year. The rest of the time, we get almost all four seasons in a day and occasional thunderstorms. It can get hot and sticky but everyone just wears the minimal amount of clothing – regardless of whether their figures lend themselves to this practice or not. But mainly, it is a bit blowy and a bit rainy – the sturdy mainstay of British weather. I won’t have a word said against BBQ food, though 😉 xx

    Like

    • Oh THANK HEAVENS you let me know you saw this!! It wasn’t supposed to be published until next Monday – lol – and I wasn’t quite finished editing.

      My eyelids were seriously drooping as I thought I’d hit “save draft” before toddling off to bed. I didn’t realize I had accidentally hit the wrong prompt until I saw the little notice that somebody had commented. Yiikes!

      A hurried trip to the kitchen for a strong cup of coffee and I’m set for a quick round of after-publication polishing before most of my readers find it in the daylight here in America. Whew!

      But really now, must you taunt me with your lovely sounding British summer? All I’d need is a good pair of Wellies and I think I’d brave the thunderstorms quite handily. I would eagerly trade a bit of noisy rain for only three days of barely being able to breathe. You don’t celebrate Independence Day either!

      But of course you would stick up for the food – anyone who’s read The Secret Diary of PorterGirl would know that right off the bat.

      Thanks for ringing in.
      xx,
      mgh

      Liked by 1 person

      • PorterGirl says:

        Oh my that must have been a moment of panic! I have done the same thing before, it’s mortifying. Well I thought it was a very nice post all the same. I do the love the great British summer – it is so unpredictable and who doesn’t love a good thunderstorm? Bring your wellies, pack a picnic and join me sheltering under a nearby tree whilst the heavens open and we eat damp sandwiches in a field 🙂 Also, get some rest! You never sleep… 😉
        xx

        Like

        • Yep- enough to get in my aerobics for the day. I think I’ve fixed the roughest bits – and once I’ve had a nap I’ll come back to see if I’m right about that.

          And, by the way, I do too sleep. From dawn to noon almost every single day. (it’s just that “day” is flex-time in my particular life) 🙂
          xx,
          mgh

          Liked by 1 person

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