Top 10 Things NOT to Say (if you want to stay alive)
Monday, October 27, 2014 7 Comments
© Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CTP, CMC, ACT, MCC, SCAC
The Death-Ray Look
We’ve all seen it. Some of us are shooters and some get shot.
Most of us learned to recognize THE LOOK in childhood.
We saw it primarily in public, most of us — whenever Mom believed that a comment expressing her extreme disapproval would be inappropriate.
At home, it tended to be a warning: last chance to stop what you are doing before consequences are levied.
Spouses and partners frequently shoot each other “LOOKs” when others are around.
Comprehensive coach training teaches the “charge-neutral” skill: expressing a thought without attachment to personal opinion that might color a comment in a fashion that would make it difficult for the listener to hear. Most important, in the coaching world, is the development of a style of expression that avoids make wrong.
Make-wrong is a term used in the coaching community to refer to judgments that might as well be saying, “Anybody sane knows there is a right and a wrong way to do life, and this communication identifies an item on THE unacceptable list” (in contrast to one’s personal unacceptable list).
But make-wrong is more than a linguistic concept. It covers communications in all forms, a concept of come-from.
Struggles of the Past
As a coach who tends to be an open-faced sandwich, I’ve spent most of my life valiantly attempting to keep a particular expression off my face that would give away what I’m thinking, without a doubt the essence of make-wrong:
“What, are you brain dead?!”
My clients, whether neuro-diverse or “vanilla” are never the ones who inspire that thought. Many members of the so-called neurotypical world inspire it frequently.
I’m not talking about expressions of curiosity or thoughts expressed through dialogue: legitimate questions, misunderstandings, differences of opinion or misguided conclusions. I’m talking about comments born of intractable ignorance.
Way beyond Grumpy, intractable ignorance makes me FURIOUS.
As I slip, kicking and screaming, into the twilight of my life, I’m thinking a lot about where I spend my energies.
At my Grumpiest on Mondays, it frequently seems to have been a waste of time to continue to turn the other cheek: to attempt to extend kindness and respect to those who still haven’t extended it themselves.
It’s simply a matter of time before I decide to spend the rest of my life retraining myself to fire verbal salvos at individuals who make the comments like the following, with no consideration of the feelings of those about whom they speak – or to how those comments land with me.
So watch your language, world. Below are ONLY ten comments that will eventually get a-whole-lot-more than THE LOOK from me, as time marches on.
My retorts (below) are are my way to to clear the record with anyone who uttered the following statements in my presence, back when my response gave little indication of how I really felt when you said them.
NOW YOU KNOW.
Don’t forget that you can always check out the sidebar for a reminder
of how links work on this site, they’re subtle ==>
And NOW for the list
(in no particular order – they are ALL equally obnoxious!)
I Don’t Believe in ADD [ADHD]
Yeah. Well, I don’t believe that the world is populated by idiots either – yet here you are.
ADD [ADHD] is simply an excuse for bad behavior.
Really? And what’s YOUR excuse?
Gosh, I’m so sorry that you can’t continue to have the advantage of a playing field that is no where NEAR level. Maybe those unfair accommodations will help you develop a bit of empathy – which you are obviously lacking.
Everybody says something stupid sometimes, too. If you’d do a little research you’d probably snap out of your ignorance. Maybe. By the way, there is a huge difference between “being depressed” and depression. Look it up.
I want you to know that YOUR belief that you possess the secret to managing mental health is flat out wrong and that I don’t want to hear that belief out of your mouth another time.
I AM thinking positively. I’m positive that you were half asleep in the class where you picked up that little tidbit — and that it makes you appear ignorant and insensitive to repeat it in this context.
That’s true – but only some of us work on them. Step one is getting in touch with the problem – let me know how you feel when you get in touch with how mean you are.
WOW – I had no idea you were enrolled in med school. Obviously you haven’t taken psychopharmacology yet. Until you have, if you wouldn’t say it about someone taking medication for cancer (or diabetes), don’t offer your opinion on mental health medication – it makes you look stupid.
Your parents beat that closed mindedness right out of you, huh?
Psychotropic medications are dangerous, unnecessary, and on the rise due to the marketing efforts of the pharmaceutical industry.
Where do you get your information — the National Inquirer?
If that’s truly your belief, there’s not enough time in my life to counter your opinion with facts. How ’bout you take some time to do some reading of primary sources before speaking to me again. Anyway, gotta’ run; I’ve got more important things to do than entertain idiocy.
Let’s hear it from YOU
What makes YOU crazy – and how would you like to have responded?
I invite you to dump YOUR Monday grumps and gripes
in the comment section below each of my own – related or NOT.
As long as you don’t make individual people wrong, and do your best to avoid the dreaded “should” word, I will approve all comers (link-spammers shot on sight, however).
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You might also be interested in some of the following articles
available right now – on this site and elsewhere.
For links in context: run your cursor over the article above and the dark grey links will turn dark red;
(subtle, so they don’t pull focus while you read, but you can find them to click when you’re ready for them)
— and check out the links to other Related Content in each of the articles themselves —
Related articles right here on ADDandSoMuchMore.com
(in case you missed them)
- The Monday Grumpy Monday intro post
- ADD – What’s in a NAME?
- The Top Ten Stupid Comments from [supposedly] ADD Professionals
- What’s my Beef with Sir Ken Robinson?
- Shame on Shoulds
ADD/EFD supports on ADDandSoMuchMore.com
LinkLists by Category (to articles in Series here on ADDandSoMuchMore.com)
‘Round the ‘net
- What You Shouldn’t Say To Someone Who Is Chronically Ill…and why you shouldn’t say them to me
(Picnic with Ants)
- What you shouldn’t say to someone who is chronically ill (Indisposed and Undiagnosed)
- What do you say when someone tells you about their mental health diagnosis? (esmewang.com)
- Inequality and Access to Mental Health Care (Picnic with Ants)
- Mental Health Myths and Facts (MentalHealth.gov)
- Common myths about mental illness (Western Australia Mental Health Commission)
- Top 10 Myths about Mental Health (PsychCentral)
- 10 Things Not to Say to a Depressed Person (PsychCentral)
- Myths vs. Facts ( walkinourshoes.org)
BY THE WAY: Since ADDandSoMuchMore.com is an Evergreen site, I revisit all my content periodically to update links — when you link BACK, reblog, like, follow, or comment on the article, you STAY on the page. When you do not, you run a high risk of getting replaced by a site with a more generous come-from.