Back Scratching-101: How to get support for YOUR objectives

MonGrumpHeadBeing in Community
means Supporting BACK

© Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CTP, CMC, ACT, MCC, SCAC

click image for source

A DAILY grump initiator . . .

that I must work with myself daily to find a way to
rise above to continue to do what I do here.

It’s more difficult to rise on Mondays.

It seems to me that many of my readers don’t understand how the blogging environment WORKS — because I simply refuse to believe that most of my readers are selfish (even on Monday Grumpy Monday).

I’m talking about common courtesy practices, not complex SEO tactics, by the way – extending toward someone who has extended toward you – which means:

  • Saying thank you in some fashion ON the blog of the person who liked or followed you.
  • Saying thank you in some fashion for information that helps you be more successful in your life (especially in your own coaching practice), whether or not you author a blog designed to do more than pay your own bills — ON the blog of the person who shared with you for free
    (Google can’t count email and phone calls, by the way – NICE, but decidedly unhelpful for getting the word out.)

I DO understand the time issue

I’ll be the first to admit that, after spending three to six non-billable hours every single day sharing what I have learned in the past twenty-five years (with the goal of helping those of you who can’t afford private coaching or ongoing coach training), I don’t always have a lot of time left in my day to run my life and make a living.

  • As a result, I don’t have the time in my day to visit, like and comment on the blogs of ALL of my followers and those who have left comments here.
  • Like everyone else, I must spend time paying my bills with at least SOME of what I do with my time (unless one of you would like to handle that little detail for me.)
  • But I do try to make time to visit those who comment, like and follow article by article.

I also spend a substantial time seeking links to blogs that have information adding content or context — through continuously curated links in my Related Content section (at the bottom of almost every post on

To give you easier ways to locate articles you want to read on, my LinkLists already make the GoogleBot a bit grumpy with me.  However, EVERY time I scratch a back that doesn’t return the favor amounts to Google promoting THEIR content at the expense of my own.

WHICH MEANS THAT increasingly fewer people are likely to benefit from what I do here, since fewer and fewer people are likely to see anything that isn’t listed early in the search results.

Since I don’t charge for content and support the site alone, I have no budget for a marketing staff and no time to wear one more hat. I have been counting on readers who benefit from what I do to help me spread the word.

Do you realize that every single time I link and the person does NOT link back, like or comment here, I fall further down in Google’s rating algorhythms?

Are you aware that Google counts comments, reblogs, links and likes to help counter inbound/outbound link imbalances?

Don’t those of you who also blog understand that leaving a comment here increases the number of inbound links to YOUR blog or website, as well as helping me promote this free resource?

Don’t forget that you can always check out the sidebar for a reminder
of how links work on this site, they’re subtle (scroll UP for it) ==>

The quote below is from a CoachtheLifeCoach article well worth your time:

“. . . you do have to have some outbound links. The Internet lives and breathes on hyperlinks and if Google thinks you’re receiving and not giving all the time it will conclude you’re a greedy bastard and quite rightly refuse to help you.” ~ from 10 Blogging Basics For Life Coaches

So how come I’m blogging in the [relative] wilderness here?

FrayedRopeMost days I am able to rise above it and soldier on for the sake of remaining in integrity with my vision, mission & purpose. But on Monday Grumpy Monday, I howl in frustration – wondering if I’m simply fooling myself and frittering away my time and my life.

NO make wrong* intended – simply a position statement:

I begin every week trying to refrain from taking my football and going home —
and I’m reaching the end of an extremely frayed rope.

Without considerably more response to help me
get the word out about what I DO here,
I don’t know how much longer it makes sense to continue to try to hang on.

I don’t know WHAT to think.  Maybe nobody’s reading what I take such pains to write?

If I am to conclude that this free resource is of value, I need more of you to take a moment of your time to LET ME KNOW — in a comment, by hitting “like— at the bottom of each article — and/or by following or reblogging to share with your communities (with gratitude to those of you who have done so without nudging).

I LIVE for dialogue and community.
A one-way communication format leaves me sad and lonely.

I can soldier on ALONE without anybody’s input, right?

And I can certainly find something enlivening or lucrative to do with the WELL over 100 hours a month I have been spending sharing what I’ve learned — for over three solid years now.

Unfortunately, that is exactly what I will be forced to do if I am led to conclude that I have been wasting my time compiling a free resource that is of little value to most of the community it is intended to serve — I’ll put it ALL in book form, jump back on the speakers circuit, and charge for it.

Let’s hear it from the bloggers

I invite you to dump YOUR Monday grumps and gripes
in the comment section below each of my own – related or NOT.

As long as you don’t make individual people wrong, and do your best to avoid the dreaded “should” word, I will approve all comers (link-spammers shot on sight, however).


[noun] A comment or suggestion coming from a particular view of the world and human interaction that seems to believe that there is a single appropriate and proper way that things are to be handled and languaged.

It usually includes a communication from this viewpoint that, additionally, delivers the information that the listener is somehow not behaving appropriately according to “the rules of the universe,” as monitored from the point of view of the speaker as authority.

In marked contrast to a difference of personal opinion, personal desire or personal preference, make-wrong is generally should-based and shaming – manipulative to its core.

© 1994, Madelyn Griffith-Haynie
from my upcoming Coaching Glossary

Around the ‘net

NewYHLBioButtonRead the carefully crafted farewell post from practically famous Decor Bloggers John and Sherry — superstars of home blogging (with advertisers, books, a line of Target products and more).

They simply quit – walked away to reframe and refocus. It was not quite as “out of the blue” as many commenters seem to think — but perhaps they didn’t take an article written 8 months earlier seriously. (see Less is More)

I read a great deal between the lines of both the first post and this last bittersweet post as I consider whether I will be writing my own after the end of the year.

Some of the bloggers linked below have been MIA for a while as well – their valuable content still online to represent how hard they’ve worked to make a difference in this world we share.

It’s can be a TOUGH gig folks, even when one is making a living from the hours spent creating and curating content. (Most of us are NOT, by the way — we’re simply sharing to support.)

Please think about that before you rush away without taking a moment to click “like,” to leave a quick comment, or to help spread the word so that others may benefit – with, any of the blogs below or ANY blog that you find helpful.  I promise you it makes ALL the difference in the world.

© 2014, all rights reserved
Check bottom of Home/New to find out the “sharing rules”

As always, if you want notification of new articles in this Series – or any new posts on this blog – give your email address to the nice form on the top of the skinny column to the right. (You only have to do this once, so if you’ve already asked for notification about a prior series, you’re covered for this one too). STRICT No Spam Policy

IN ANY CASE, do stay tuned.
There’s a lot to know, a lot here already, and a lot more to come – in this Series and in others.
Get it here while it’s still free for the taking.

Want to work directly with me? If you’d like some coaching help with anything that came up while you were reading this Series (one-on-one couples or group), click HERE for Brain-based Coaching with mgh, with a contact form at its end (or click the E-me link on the menubar at the top of every page). Fill out the form, submit, and an email SOS is on its way to me; we’ll schedule a call to talk about what you need. I’ll get back to you ASAP (accent on the “P”ossible!)

You might also be interested in some of the following articles
available right now – on this site and elsewhere.

For links in context: run your cursor over the article above and the dark grey links will turn dark red;
(subtle, so they don’t pull focus while you read, but you can find them to click when you’re ready for them)
— and check out the links to other Related Content in each of the articles themselves —

Related articles right here on
(in case you missed them above or below)

ALSO Related here on ADD-and-So-Much-MORE

ADD/EFD supports on

A Few LinkLists by Category (to articles here on

More around the ‘net

The blogs below may not be Related to this particular article by content –
I gladly promote their sites because they have always been excellent back scratchers

Locating “Relateds” consumes a great many minutes of my life.
The sites below continue to return the favor – THANK YOU!

LIST GENESIS: WordPress list of my top commenters –
(with gratitude to EACH of the rest of you who participate full out – both on this site and in life itself)

BY THE WAY: Since is an Evergreen site, I revisit all my content periodically to update links — when you link BACK, reblog, like, follow, or comment on the article, you STAY on the page. When you do not, you run a high risk of getting replaced by a site with a more generous come-from.

About Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC
Award-winning ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching field co-founder; [life] Coaching pioneer -- Neurodiversity Advocate, Coach, Mentor & Poster Girl -- Multi-Certified -- 25 years working with EFD [Executive Functioning disorders] and struggles in hundreds of people from all walks of life. I developed and delivered the world's first ADD-specific coach training curriculum: multi-year, brain-based, and ICF Certification tracked. In addition to my expertise in ADD/EF Systems Development Coaching, I am known for training and mentoring globally well-informed ADD Coach LEADERS with the vision to innovate, many of the most visible, knowledgeable and successful ADD Coaches in the field today (several of whom now deliver highly visible ADD coach trainings themselves). For almost a decade, I personally sponsored and facilitated seven monthly, virtual and global, no-charge support and information groups The ADD Hours™ - including The ADD Expert Speakers Series, hosting well-known ADD Professionals who were generous with their information and expertise, joining me in my belief that "It takes a village to educate a world." I am committed to being a thorn in the side of ADD-ignorance in service of changing the way neurodiversity is thought about and treated - seeing "a world that works for everyone" in my lifetime. Get in touch when you're ready to have a life that works BECAUSE of who you are, building on strengths to step off that frustrating treadmill "when 'wanting to' just doesn't get it DONE!"

17 Responses to Back Scratching-101: How to get support for YOUR objectives

  1. Pingback: Our Brains, Crock Pots™ and Microwaves | ADD . . . and-so-much-more

  2. Jeanie says:

    Madelyn, if I had a blog, and I should, I would surely like, link, comment and do all of that stuff for you. I guess there may be many like me that benefit, but can’t/don’t know how to help. I know that there are also lots of folks who just don’t get it and unfortunately some who don’t think beyond themselves. Sometimes living in this world stinks!!!

    I want to reinforce that you have helped so many with your generous heart! Especially me and my family! You have been gifted with much wisdom and insight into ADD and related issues and have so much good stuff to share with us all! Thank you and for all you have done! I hope your phone challenges have resolved and that your books are finding a home on your shelves. Thinking of and praying for you. Hope to connect one of these days!


    • SO good to hear from you Jeannie – no SHOULDs re: blog, of course, but I’d love to see what you’d create.

      Phone drama continues (which is why you didn’t hear back about the Knoxville trip) LOTS of parameters to getting it replaced repeatedly, the phasing of my sleep disorder and my total lack of a sense of direction chief among them. We’ll catch up eventually, I trust.

      Thank you for your wonderful acknowledgment – it helps me feel better about the considerable time I spend on the blog. I hope you know I feel the same way about YOUR ongoing support in the spiritual realm.

      I’m praying for your sister’s healing — I’m sure having you around was wonderful for her. I’m eager to hear all about it — and so sorry that I wasn’t able to join you.


    • RE: “I guess there may be many like me that benefit, but can’t/don’t know how to help.”

      That’s why I decided to *post* the article after I got my grump out by writing it. Likes & comments help too, even when there is no blog to link too – so I really appreciate the fact that you took the time to leave one.

      Last nite I discovered that many were “pinning” — but not liking or commenting. I was thrilled to see that, of course, but unless they like or comment HERE it doesn’t help with the inbound/outbound link imbalance.

      I really don’t want to stop offering “related” content for those who want more before I have time to write again. PLUS, exposure to other “takes” on any topic is the best way to figure out how we want to approach it ourselves. There is so MUCH great content available (a double edged sword, I guess). I wish more of those I link TO would link back. That would *really* help.

      My love to Wayne and the kids. I hope to be able to speak to you before Zoey sets off for college lol.



  3. wendy says:

    you know I didn’t know that when I commented on someone’s blog it increased the number of inbound links to my blog. I just comment on people’s blogs because I like them. i do always try to go to people’s blogs who comment on mine or like mine. i don’t always comment back or like them, it depends on the blog. If I don’t agree with them, I don’t stick around. I figure they were just phishing on my blog. (why do they say phishing…they were fishing, fishing around to see if they could catch me….haha)

    Hey, if you want to write a piece for my blog, you are welcome. I don’t have a lot of loyal followers who comment though, but I do have a fair amount of traffic. it’s weird I have some people who always email me comments, they don’t leave them on my blog, always email me. weird huh? or they comment on Facebook or Google plus, my blog post go there too..and twitter.

    You know my blog is chronic illness centered….so there you go.

    any time you can’t stop by my blog…no worries, really.
    I know you are busy.
    I did just write a post about things changing….and how I’m dealing with it.
    no need for me to put the exact link to the page, just go to the main page, it’s there. : )

    and this is a good gripe,
    I have thought many times quitting.
    I’m not like you, I don’t write giving just great professional advice.
    I just write about my life, and how I handle having multiple chronic illnesses.
    sometimes I can’t get around to other people’s blogs because I just can’t….that makes me sad.
    Sometimes I think…why am I writing this stuff. Who cares? does it do any good?
    then I’ll get an email from someone telling me that they felt so alone until they found me.
    Asking questions about one of my illnesses because they found nothing else out there that told so many symptoms. Thanking me for telling it as it is and not sugar coating it.
    or I will realize, I write for me. this is a lot of mindfulness in writing.

    ugh…I’m writing you a book! you can gripe about this next Monday….comments that are too long!!

    xoxo wendy


    • Wendy – this is ME, the queen of the long post! I LOVE long comments – I’d never gripe about those. (But then, of course, I have read so much for my entire life that I read like the wind)

      I do know that many who like my blog find it really difficult to get thru long posts, attention/focus wise. I have always wished I had the time to use my sho-biz background to read each one aloud and put a “podcast” kind of “listen while you read” dealie on each page. The tech stops me, so if anybody wants to handle THAT part, I’ll move working on it way up on my to-do list.

      Thanks for the offer to write a post for your readership. How about an “ADD Lens” kind of thing, talking about the overlap between mind-fuzz from things that have nothing to do with diagnostic ADD, but respond to some of the same tips and tricks?

      BTW – you know I’d love a post from you as well.

      THANKS for your l-o-n-g comment.


      • wendy says:

        I love the tips and tricks of working on the mind-fuzz thing. We have a lot of that in my community. Great over lap going there!

        I know you would love a post from me…..I will work on it…as soon as my mind gets past the pain thoughts. And I’m starting a MBSR class (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction)…I’m going to talk about that in my NEXT post. I found a free one on line!!

        No….I couldn’t deal with pod cast…I’d have to HEAR. hahaha You are talking to probably your only deaf reader. hahaha! it would need to be close captioned.

        Hubby is working again now, but if you ever need some techie stuff, it may take him a little while, but he may be able to help….you can always reach out to me….it never hurts to ask him.

        I am married to a geek! a geek and an artist…it’s amazing what a great marriage we have!
        that sounds like a great story. 🙂

        I’m looking forward to that post!



        • I wish I’d had the good sense to hang on to the geeks I met along the way – they make the BEST husbands!

          I forgot about the hearing thing – sorry!


          • wendy says:

            No reason to be sorry!
            That’s what captions are for!! ha

            Besides, everyone is hearing equal when you are reading.
            and I’m not sensitive about it, I was joking. I think I need to preface that, people often think I’m really sensitive about it.

            I will say, a lot of HOH/Deaf people are, I don’t understand it myself. I have been literally lectured because I don’t “make more of stand” about it. “I need to be more assertive”. In my opinion, most people do not come in contact with HOH/Deaf people very often, they are bound to forget who they are dealing with, it is my responsibility to be compassionate and politely remind them…at least the first few times. After a while, in an (in person, customer service) situation, I can be a bit more assertive, I need to be an advocate for myself. 🙂 In a friendly situation…like family and friends, I can be a lot more assertive. hahaha they are the hardest to teach!

            My geek is the best husband, not because he is a geek, but because he is just a very good man. I’m a very lucky girl. Someone up there (I think my mom) was looking out for me.

            I wasn’t looking. I dated a lot, thought I’d never marry again (after a very short marriage when I was very young), then we met at a friend’s birthday party….and at 41 I found myself married to this wonderful human being. Thank goodness. I can honestly say I couldn’t have gone through the last 5 years without him. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary.

            Now this was a comment wayyyyy off topic. a little behind the scenes look at wendy, as if you don’t have enough of those on my blog.



            • A later-life love! How wonderful. Happy belated anniversary.

              My late-life “love” turned out to be a late-life lesson (I am STILL getting over the nasty effects on my life). I’ll bet I’m not the only reader who would love to read a HAPPY story with a few details like you shared here. Modeling is important and effective, and we have so few positive models of marriage.

              I had a brief early marriage too – 3 years. Would have been shorter, had we both not been in grad school, I believe. I think I married the wrong man – we were young and dumb. But that’s a l-o-n-g story I’ll probably never share online since my soul-mate is no longer alive, but has family that is. Nothing out of integrity, but I can’t see the point in potentially making it awkward for others who are, no doubt, still grieving.

              I thought I’d never marry again either – and it’s looking like I am probably right! When I broke off my last engagement I decided to take myself “off the market” lol FRIENDS only! (Ex-hubby still trying, however — I think he’s on his fifth now!)

              Re: advocacy – yep! Family is always the last to get it – I think its because they care so much what happens with us (and what they think it says about them), that it’s difficult to see us with clear eyes. I’m pretty good about the needs of others in person, but online it’s tougher, and NOBODY’s perfect!

              Here’s a quote I picked up somewhere, but have lost the source: “Most people are neither for you nor against you — they’re merely for themselves.”

              I find it useful to recall whenever somebody does or says something hurtful (whether on purpose or thoughtlessly)


            • wendy says:

              it won’t let me reply in our thread any more….haha, I think we have broken the loop.

              how sad about losing your soul mate. I know I married the wrong man (boy) the first time. I don’t even feel like I was ever married before, it was much more like a silly roommate situation with “benefits” lol. a long story there, that could make a soap opera look like serious theater.

              When Stuart and I met, we were not looking for a relationship, and it was very rocky for a while. He was the jealous type, I was afraid of abandonment, oh we had issues galore! Then we realized we wanted to be better people. And we wanted to this relationship to last. So we both went into therapy to work on ourselves before we made a major commitment to each other. I worked on me, he worked on him. He said, I gave him the incentive to want to understand why he was miserable. haha. Once when we were arguing he told me, “no matter how hard you push, I’m not going anywhere.” That’s when I realized I what I was doing, and I needed help to fix it.

              Soon we got to the point where we decided we could make this work, as long as we kept the communication and respect flowing. Since then, we have had a lot of trials…my illness has been a biggie! So we went to therapy together. I had to have help dealing with losing so much of my independence. We had to work together to get through this. Together. and our marriage has never been stronger…every day it is stronger.

              So there is your love story. It took a lot of hard work. It still takes work, but now it’s not so hard.

              You just never know what might happen. You just might meet someone who changes the way you look at things. We did. Thanks to a good friend, who invited us to a birthday party…which we didn’t talk to each other at…we talked at the end…and later we called our friend and said “Who was that???” and that’s the beginning of the story.


              no reply necessary *smiles*


  4. Alan Brown says:

    Wow — what a great call to action, Peggy!!! Thank you for this burst of awareness and insights on this topic!


    • Thanks, Alan — but Madelyn (mgh) is the author of the blog, not Peggy.

      Ironically, when Kate Kelly was alive, people frequently called Peggy by Kate’s name. Since Peggy and I are colleagues and work together sometimes, I hope the mix-up tradition won’t continue — in either direction.

      Anyhoo, I greatly appreciate the kudos re: “call to action” and I’m glad the article seemed to have landed the way I intended. Thanks for spending the time to comment.


  5. janetkwest says:

    One of my favorite quotes is: Man cannot discover new oceans (lands?) unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. – André Gide
    We have to keep on paddling. 🙂


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