Boggle: Cooperation & Support

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Dealing with Others

Excerpted from my upcoming Boggle Book ©Madelyn Grifith-Haynie-all rights reserved.

Reasonable Accommodations

Whether you have been doing the work or not, simply by reading the articles in the Boggle series, you have begun the process of taking responsibility for your ADD in some brand new ways.

Congratulations.

A major tool is the Boggle Space. Are you ready to add it to your toolchest?

My partner will have a fit if I try to claim a space all my own.

Let’s face it — in order to set up a Boggle Space that will work for us, we will be asking for some accommodations from our loved ones.

But aren’t we already? 

Living with a loved one with ADD places a lot of demands on the rest of the family.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you don’t want to ask for one more thing. What you are requesting is an accommodation that will lessen the other demands your ADD will place upon everyone in your life.

You do have to find a way to initiate the conversation, however, and that can be daunting, I know.

The steps of the following communication technique have been useful for some of my clients.  Adapt the language to your personal style.  Combine steps, if it makes more sense to you, but make sure you don’t skip any of the steps in the process.

9 Steps to Communicate Your Need for Support
(in a manner that you might actually receive it!)

 

1.  Express your willingness to assume responsibility.

I have begun a process that will make it possible for me to live with my ADD successfully.  I am committed to making the changes in the ways that I function so that I can function optimally.

2.  Acknowledge their frustration.

I know you have been putting up with a lot, and I really want to acknowledge everything that you have done to get me to this point. [name some specifics] Thank you.

3.  Tell them how their support has made you feel.

The fact that you have stuck with me during the time when we didn’t know what was wrong has made me feel loved and important [or whatever is true for you.]

Remember, this is an acknowledgment.  Stifle the urge to go on to explain all of the things they did wrong, or all of the other things you need or want from them!

4.  Condition the request, then get “buy in.”

I am going to ask one more thing of you that may sound a little silly but I’m really committed to getting a handle on this thing. I am working with a book written by an ADD Coach that makes a few recommendations I am going to use.  I am going to need your help and your cooperation during this phase.

Would you be willing to help me?

Wait for a response.  Don’t cheat yourself (or them) out of the information inherent in the answer to that question.

5.  Explain “Boggle”

One of the things that seems to be pretty common with ADD is what they call a cognitive “shutdown” in response to too much stimulation.  This book calls it Boggling.

You know how I sometimes scream at the kids for the tiniest thing?  [or stare stupidly, or slam doors, or cry – fill in what it is that you do here]    Well, now I know that is one of the ways I Boggle.  And there are some techniques that I can use to stay out of Boggle so I can remain more centered emotionally, become more effective, and A LOT easier to be around.

6.  Make the request and wait for “buy in”

One of the things that is going to be very important is for me to have a time-out space where I can go when I become overstimulated — so that I can stop screaming at the kids [fill in what it is you do here].  What I will need to do is design a space that is pretty neutral so that I can get out of Boggle    I am not asking for design help, or for your ideas of what would work for you.

In order for this to work for me, it has to be totally designed for and by me.

I want to turn the [your space here] into my Boggle Space.  I need it to be somewhere that really works for me so I am going to make some changes.  I need you to be supportive about this.

Are you willing to you do that?

Wait for a response.  Don’t cheat yourself (or them) out of the information inherent in the answer to this question either.

7.  Get specific.

I want to move your Marlin into a the den (or whatever.)
I will (or will not) need your help moving it, and (but) I will need your support.

8.  Offer an exchange (bribery works!)

If you will support me in this I will give you a back rub for an hour (or whatever will seem like a pretty good deal to Beloved.)

9.  Acknowledge Beloved

If Beloved’s in your corner s/he really deserves the acknowledgment for the great partner that s/he is.

Even if s/he’s not in your corner (yet!), s/he deserves acknowledgment for hearing you out  — along with a request that s/he think about what it would take to make it work both ways.

 

Continue with your plans for your Boggle Space.

Don’t delay completing your plans for the Boggle Space project until your Beloved agrees with the concept.  Even the most uncooperative Beloved will very quickly come to see this as a viable alternative the next time s/he watches you Boggle, expects the worst, and sees how much difference the TBZ makes.

S/he might even insist on helping you move that marlin!

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In the next article in the Boggle series you will begin to notice the unique way you build to the Boggle point. Stay tuned. New Boggle excerpts will post weekly, sometime between Friday night and Monday morning.

As always, if you’d like notification of future articles in the Boggle series (or any other), give your name and email to the nice form at the top of the skinny column to your right.  You only have to do this once, so if you’ve asked for notification for a prior series, you’re covered for this one.  STRICT No Spam policy.

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Articles in the Boggle Series
**Below: SOME content overlap – different info – Read BOTH

• Intro Part 1: My Boggle Book**
• Intro Part 2: A Little ADD Lens™ Background
•  2 –  ABOUT BOGGLE!**
•  3 –  Boggle Considerations
•  4 –  Boggle Background
• 5a – Boggle: Driving Miss Crazy
• 5b – An Example from MY Life (my NYC Boggle Space)
•  6  – Boggle: The TBZ
•  7  – Boggle: To Design is to Decide
•  8  – Boggle: Cooperation and Support

Coming up in the Boggle Series:

•  9 –  Building to Boggle
• 10 – Anticipating Boggle
• 11 –  Boggle Bait
• 12 – Avoiding Re-Boggle
• 13 – Brain-science and Boggle

Other related Articles on ADDandSoMuchMore.com

• About Executive Functioning
• What ARE Executive Functions
• Brain-waves, Scans & Attention
• ABOUT Impulsivity
• Distinguishing Distractibility