HOW to Listen from Belief


Drawing of two smiling figures standing behind a question mark; thought bubbles over their heads: a red X, and a green checkmark

Beneficial Assumptions

by Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CTP, CMC, ACT, MCC, SCAC
See Listening from Belief for background & introduction

I’m not big on listening through assumptions of any kind,
generally, but I think you’ll find that filtering your listening
through the following Four Assumptions will help you
greatly, especially if you are viewing life through The ADD Lens™.

 . . . . Remember . . . . Remember . . . . Remember . . . .

1.  Solutions are individual – and relationship – specific.

•  No two ADDers have the same “flavor” of ADD
•  FLAVOR shapes what an individual ADDer can and cannot do personally

2.  Distinctions help bring unreasonable assumptions to consciousness.

•  Take the time to distinguish the terms you find yourself using.
•  Remember to distinguish “can’t” from “won’t”

3.   Real questions have real answers

•  Ask real questions — not indictments ending with question marks
•  Emulate Sherlock Holmes, not Perry Mason
•  Practice Sherlocking until it becomes second nature

4.  The most powerful way to listen to is to listen from belief.

•  Don’t “should” on each other.
 If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t blame the foot!*

—————————-
*mgh’s motto for The Optimal Functioning Institute™


Listen for 

  • CLUES that will help you to get what you want and need — without the expectation that what you want will be given in exactly the format you envision
  • CLUES contained in the other person’s reports of the nature of their experience that will help you to fine tune the solutions you come up with together so that you BOTH get what you want and need.
  • CLUES that things are moving in the right direction (ignoring the clues that they aren’t!)

Listen from   

♥ BELIEF that the other person values the relationship as much or more than you do and is sincerely doing everything they can  to create a dynamic that both of you will love.

♥ BELIEF that the other person is as concerned as you are that a workable dynamic has remained elusive.

♥ BELIEF that the other person is telling you the absolute truth about their experience – not exaggerating, not offering lame excuses, not failing to take a “fearless moral inventory” or refusing to look objectively at the underlying reasons for their behavior, and certainly not lying to you.

♥ BELIEF that there is an explanation for their experience that will furnish the clues that will allow you to make changes in your relationship that will please both of you.

♥ BELIEF that solutions are individual specific;

  • that just because something works effectively for you does not mean it will work for anyone else — and that the failure to do so says nothing what-so-ever about their feelings for you or how hard they try; and that
  • just because something did not work effectively for you does not mean it will not work for another — or that they are wasting their time and yours to try it.

And the single most important belief to listen from:   

♥ BELIEF  that the continued application of the technique of listening from belief will eventually result in an atmosphere that is more open, more trusting, more emotionally fulfilling with a greater feeling of emotional safety, and a relationship that is more fun 

but that it probably won’t happen the first few weeks you employ the technique!


Let me help: 

Non-ADD Partners: Are you are struggling to communicate with your ADDer?
ADDers – are you having trouble explaining things to the “helpful” people in your life?  

Book a session.  You can certainly come alone, but it’s even better as a “couple,” no matter the nature of your relationship: parent/child; spice; boss/employee; teacher/parent or teacher/child.  Give it a try.

Related articles on ADDandSoMuchMore.com

About Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC
Award-winning ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching field co-founder; [life] Coaching pioneer -- Neurodiversity Advocate, Coach, Mentor & Poster Girl -- Multi-Certified -- 25 years working with Executive Functioning struggles in hundreds of people from all walks of life. I developed and delivered the world's first ADD-specific coach training curriculum: multi-year, brain-based, and ICF Certification tracked. In addition to my expertise in ADD/EF Systems Development Coaching, I am known for training and mentoring globally well-informed ADD Coach LEADERS with the vision to innovate, many of the most visible, knowledgeable and successful ADD Coaches in the field today (several of whom now deliver highly visible ADD coach trainings themselves). For almost a decade, I personally sponsored and facilitated seven monthly, virtual and global, no-charge support and information groups The ADD Hours™ - including The ADD Expert Speakers Series, hosting well-known ADD Professionals who were generous with their information and expertise, joining me in my belief that "It takes a village to educate a world." I am committed to being a thorn in the side of ADD-ignorance in service of changing the way neurodiversity is thought about and treated - seeing "a world that works for everyone" in my lifetime. Get in touch when you're ready to have a life that works BECAUSE of who you are, building on strengths to step off that frustrating treadmill "when 'wanting to' just doesn't get it DONE!"

And what do YOU think? I'm interested.

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