HOW to Listen from Belief
Tuesday, April 19, 2011 1 Comment
by Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CTP, CMC, ACT, MCC, SCAC
See Listening from Belief for background & introduction
I’m not big on listening through assumptions of any kind,
generally, but I think you’ll find that filtering your listening
through the following Four Assumptions will help you
greatly, especially if you are viewing life through The ADD Lens™.
. . . . Remember . . . . Remember . . . . Remember . . . .
1. Solutions are individual – and relationship – specific.
• No two ADD/EFDers have the same “flavor”
• FLAVOR shapes what an individual ADDer can and cannot do personally
2. Distinctions help bring unreasonable assumptions to consciousness.
• Take the time to distinguish the terms you find yourself using.
• Remember to distinguish “can’t” from “won’t”
3. Real questions have real answers
• Ask real questions — not indictments ending with question marks
• Emulate Sherlock Holmes, not Perry Mason
• Practice Sherlocking until it becomes second nature
4. The most powerful way to listen to is to listen from belief.
*mgh’s motto for The Optimal Functioning Institute™
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Listening for and listening from
- CLUES that will help you to get what you want and need — without the expectation that what you want will be given in exactly the format you envision
- CLUES contained in the other person’s reports of the nature of their experience that will help you to fine tune the solutions you come up with together so that you BOTH get what you want and need.
- CLUES that things are moving in the right direction (ignoring the clues that they aren’t!)
♥ BELIEF that the other person values the relationship as much or more than you do and is sincerely doing everything they can to create a dynamic that both of you will love.
♥ BELIEF that the other person is as concerned as you are that a workable dynamic has remained elusive.
♥ BELIEF that the other person is telling you the absolute truth about their experience – not exaggerating, not offering lame excuses, not failing to take a “fearless moral inventory” or refusing to look objectively at the underlying reasons for their behavior, and certainly not lying to you.
♥ BELIEF that there is an explanation for their experience that will furnish the clues that will allow you to make changes in your relationship that will please both of you.
♥ BELIEF that solutions are individual specific;
- that just because something works effectively for you does not mean it will work for anyone else — and that the failure to do so says nothing what-so-ever about their feelings for you or how hard they try; and that
- just because something did not work effectively for you does not mean it will not work for another — or that they are wasting their time and yours to try it.
And the single most important belief to listen from:
♥ BELIEF that the continued application of the technique of listening from belief will eventually result in an atmosphere that is more open, more trusting, more emotionally fulfilling with a greater feeling of emotional safety, and a relationship that is more fun –
but that it probably won’t happen the first few weeks you employ the technique!
Let me help:
Non-ADD/EFD Partners: Are you are struggling to communicate with your ADD/EFDer?
ADD/EFDers – are you having trouble explaining things to the “helpful” people in your life?
Book a session. You can certainly come alone, but it’s even better as a “couple,” no matter the nature of your relationship: parent/child; spice; boss/employee; teacher/parent or teacher/child. Give it a try.
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