Coaching Tips For Parents Of LD & ADD/HD Children

Artwork courtesy of Phillip Martin

Playing on the SAME Team
Guest blogger: Dr. Steven Richfield

A parent writes:
Both our son and daughter struggle with learning disabilities and Attention Deficit Disorder.

As they struggle so do my husband and I. Communication breaks down into arguments, problems arise in school and among peers, and we are often unsure of how to handle their emotional ups and downs. Any suggestions?

Children with LD and ADD/ADHD present unique challenges and rewards to parents. The vulnerability of a fragile ego, the unthinking behaviors rooted in impulsivity, or the steep decline of emotional meltdowns, can render even the most patient parent looking for tools and techniques to manage their child’s unpredictable behaviors.

These scenarios fall under the heading of what I have come to call the “Now, what do I do?” syndrome. It is a question echoing through the minds of all parents at one time or another.

As a child psychologist who trains parents who regularly witness these scenarios, I help empower parents with tools and tips to manage the emotional and social currents of ADHD and LD children.

Here are some to consider:

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Are you OUT of your MIND?

Reframing to Rewire (First in a series)

Most of us take that “Are you out of your mind?” question to mean that we’ve just said or done something NUTS.  I want to stand that idea on its ear.

A bowl of spaghetti looks twisted and tangled,...

Image via Wikipedia

I think it would be FAR more powerful to use that phrase as a reminder to do exactly that: to GET out of our minds.

To “get out of our reactionary mind” so that we can align our actions with our intentions is more what I had in my mind, so let’s explore how we might begin to DO that.

For those of us with Executive Functioning Dysregulation, following one idea to completion is frequently an exercise in frustration and failure.

Metaphorically, our brains are rather like a tangle of string-like dendritic connections resembling a plate of cooked spaghetti.  

About the only way we can locate both ends of a single strand of spaghetti on a dinner plate is to lift it up out of the plate and away from the rest of the tangle.

After twenty plus years of investigating ADD and working with ADDers, I’ve come to believe that “getting it up and out of the plate for closer observation” is the most successful way to locate both “ends” of a single train of thought as well.

When that single-thought strand is left tangled with the other strands, ADDers in particular can become like Alice in Wonderland clones, looping around relatively aimlessly and getting ourselves into all sorts of odd predicaments

Lifting that strand of spaghetti away from its tangle successfully is where the mere presence of another person makes all the difference in the world: an ADD-literate mentor, coach, or non-judgmental friend who can reframe our challenges simply by virtue of the fact that, from their vantage point, things don’t look so convoluted.

(More to come about that concept in a later post in this series)

Movin’ ON to the Rewiring

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Reframing

Stuff series: Part 3

Escaping the Frame Changes the View

*attribution below

Changing the context

Framing (adding perspective)
Reframing (changing perspective)

Reframing is  a well-worn tool in a number of helping professions.  The fields that seem to advocate it most are Neuro-Linguistic Programming [NLP], therapy, and Coaching (especially ADD Coaching).

Reframing is on the Optimal Functioning Institute™ list as one of the Ten Basic Coaching Skills used Most Often with ADDers.  

Including Reframing on this particular list underscores the importance of of the two most important ADD Coaching skills, normalizing (ADD affect) and endorsing (client actions, perspectives and talents).

But what IS Reframing?

In the coaching field, reframing is one of the Languaging skills that refers to a particular manner of speaking that allows an individual to escape black and white thinking boundaries so that a different conclusion can be drawn from the same set of facts.

That, in turn, changes the way the situation “seems,” in a manner similar to the way that reframing a picture impacts the look of the picture itself.

In other words, changing the context puts a statement or point of view into a different frame of reference; a “seeding” skill that fosters a shift, (paradigm shift, in some fields).
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Coaching Organizational Skills To ADD/ADHD Children

Overcoming the Biggest Roadblock to Young Success
Guest blogger: Dr. Steven Richfield

Illustration courtesy of Phillip Martin

Of all the struggles associated with ADD/ADHD, organizational problems create the greatest havoc in children’s academic lives.

Forgotten or misplaced homework assignments, lost supplies, poor long term planning, and underestimating task demands are a few of the typical traps that sabotage school performance.

The resulting stress imposed upon family relationships, coupled with the damage incurred by the child’s self-esteem, makes it vital that children learn ways to overcome the organizational chaos so typical of ADD/ADHD.

Parents wishing to coach organizational skills to their ADD/ADHD children can benefit from the following strategies.

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10 Essential ADD Coaching Concepts

Graphic of a man with a map, sandles & a sword about to enter a maze - in the center we see the top of a brown, furry head, with hornsMore than any other client type, the ADD client knows more about what’s going on with their functioning than their coach ever will. 

The trouble is:

1 – they don’t trust what they know,
2 – they don’t know how to explain their experience, and
3 – they can’t figure out in a vacuum what they need to DO to become intentional with attending.

As difficult as it may be to sort things out without an executive functioning crutch (that’s you!), the last thing they need is a coach who tries to coach them “by the book” – especially if that book was written by the ADD clue-free.

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The Art and Science of the ADD Question

Don’t ask, DO tell

My heart breaks when an ADDer tells me about past coaching relationships that haven’t worked out.

While I have empathy for any coach who wonders why they couldn’t be effective with any particular client, my heart shatters when I hear from any ADDer whose coach doesn’t wonder about their own contribution to this client’s struggles.

ADD Coaching is not ADD icing on a “vanilla” cake!  

You simply must Rewrite your Coaching Manual™ through the understanding of how the brain “normally” works, and what’s going on when it works differently.

Line drawing of a person throwing a piece of paper and a huge question mark into a trash can.What you will discover when you do is that there are standard coaching basics that won’t work AT ALL with ADDers.

Never.  Nada!  No way, no how!

No matter what you’ve learned – or how well your vanilla skills work with how many bazillions of non-ADD clients . . .
you simply MUST throw them out when your client has ADD.

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The only valid way to LISTEN

Listening from Belief

graphic: take-off of the "smileys" emoticon - hand to ear, strong emotion on face that could be disbelief or skepticismI’ve said before and I’ll say it again:
ADDers have had people trying to “fix” them all their lives. 

And most of those “fixers” think their own experience of life is valid and useful, and that their ADD buddy merely has to adopt their perspective to be able to function differently — and well!

• You’re running your victim racket again . . .
• Everyone gets distracted, just TELL yourself you CAN pay attention . . .
• It’s all that coffee (sugar, lack of sleep – ANYTHING besides ADD itself)

Those comments may well come from a loving intention – most of us understand intellectually that those who claim to love us wish us well and are “only trying to help” – but do you realize how UNloving those comments are in execution?

They’re invalidating. They’re shaming. They’re should-ing all over the place!

What’s worse, they don’t even work: they produce exactly the opposite of what the person who says them says they want!

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