Can This ADDer be Saved?

A Coaching Story - Part 1

*”Katy,” “Barb,” “Donna” and the details of this story are a composite of the process and progress of several ADDers working with the author, to honor the confidentiality of the client/coach alignment and to better illustrate a sense of the ADD Coaching process.
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Like many of us, Katy Nolan was a full time homemaker with a full-time job.

She adored her husband Paul, a terrific father, but not really much help around the house: not really much help with anything having  anything to DO with running a household, actually.

Sometimes she joked that she had three kids — Mary, her second-grader, Tom her big fourth-grader, and Paul, the baby! Fortunately, Katy was one of the most organized women anyone knew, so she managed somehow to keep the homefires burning along with the demands of  a high-stress job.

Most days she felt on top of things, but she went to bed exhausted every night and woke up every morning dreading the day.  She loved her job, her kids, her marriage, and their newly remodeled home — but deep in her heart she hated her life.

“What’s wrong with me?” she often wondered.

THE DAY THE WORLD CHANGED

The words that started Katy’s day were about the worst she could possibly imagine, “Mommy, I don’t feel very good!”

“Not today!” she complained under her breath, feeling guilty for the thought.
“Please let her be well enough to go to school today and I promise I’ll be Florence Nightingale tomorrow!”

Her upcoming week was booked solid with urgent work to-dos and a million errands related to the upcoming Easter holiday. She had taken the day off to work on an important report due Friday — without the distractions of the office.

For some reason, she just couldn’t manage to get her thoughts on paper with the constant ringing of the telephone and chatting of her office-mates, along with the frequent interruptions of her new boss, the micro-manager’s micro-manager. Her recent memo about the “slippage” of the quality of Katy’s reports was scathing.

She really hated Monday mornings! As usual, the puppy was eager for his morning walk. Tommy needed her to read and sign something for school, but he couldn’t remember where it was. Paul scowled on his way out the door, miffed because she neglected to pick up his favorite suit from the dry cleaners and she’d forgotten to set the coffee maker the night before.

She didn’t know how she would manage without that lifesaving first cup she always needed to clear the cobwebs.  She tripped over Bowser as she made her way to Mary’s room.

Spots!  Measles or chicken pox — Mary could be home for two weeks!!!  I’ll lose my job.  “Oh honey, I’m so sorry you’re sick!” she managed to comment through her tears.

And then there’s Barb

Barbara Sitwell, Katy’s best friend and next door neighbor, was Katy’s exact opposite.  Her house was a mess, her kids fended mostly for themselves, and she left all of the car-pooling duties to her husband Larry, even though her only “job” was part-time photography for the local newspaper (consisting mostly of developing negatives in her basement dark room). Barb, however, seemed genuinely happy.  Larry adored her, and her kids we’re doing great.

Katy was still crying as she dialed the phone to let Larry know that Mary wouldn’t riding with them today.

“Hello?”  It was Barb!
“Mary won’t be coming, she has the measles!”  Katy began, fairly evenly until she broke down completely.

The rest came out in a rush.

“And I’m going to lose my job and we’re not going to have any Easter Baskets and Paul’s going to divorce me for letting down the entire family and I’ll end up a single mother living on welfare in some hovel or in some mental institution because I can’t even get it together to make coffee!”

Katy had just “hit the wall.”

She had managed to juggle fairly effectively until this very minute.  Suddenly her elaborately detailed coping strategies couldn’t handle this new level of stress. Everything seemed to come crashing down around her — one seemingly minor glitch, and suddenly, she felt as if she couldn’t cope at all. She didn’t even have control over her words, and felt she was destroying her carefully constructed facade of competence. Her breath came in gulps with this realization.  ”I don’t know what to do next.  I can’t even think!!”

Fortunately, Barbara knew exactly what was going on with Katy.
Boggle* – cognitive shutdown in response to stress.

*Watch for excerpts from The Boggle Book, which will be posted on ADDandSoMuchMore.com while awaiting publication.

Barb herself had been in the same place after her second son was born.  She had been coping marginally since the birth of her first child. The demands of a second child told her in no uncertain terms that something was very definitely wrong.  The additional responsibility of a new baby seemed to push her over some imaginary cliff that led to an ADD diagnosis, a CH.A.D.D. support group, therapy and, in the last 18 months, her secret weapon: weekly phone calls with her ADD Coach.

“Go start a pot of coffee, then call the pediatrician.  I’ll be right over.”  

Suddenly and uncharacteristically, Barb had became the competent one.

NOTHING’S MORE EFFECTIVE THAN GOOD SUPPORT

That was the event that brought Katy to ADD Coaching, well over a year ago.  Today she wakes up eager to start the day (most days!). She has “found the time” to join a yoga class and Weight Watchers, and has lost those frustrating twelve pounds she had been agonizing about since Mary’s birth.

She has worked out a plan with her boss including, among other accommodations, working four days in the office and one at home. Her last review was encouraging.

Paul is doing more around the house and actually reading some of those ADD books on his bedside table, so he is able to be more understanding and supportive.  Making sure there’s coffee every morning, clean sheets and towels every week, and taking responsibility for the dry-cleaning are among the items that moved from Katy’s to-do list to Paul’s.

Katy feels lighter and happier than she has in many years.

A fairy tale?

No.  Katy’s new life is the result of a lot of dedication and hard work.  The difference is that she has finally discovered how to focus her energy in ways that make a difference in her life.  Left behind are most of her old crisis management habits that, despite her excellent organizational skills, kept life teetering right on the brink of disaster.

What had been missing was an awareness of ADD and an understanding and acceptance of its implications:

• an understanding of how ADD impacted her thinking and choices
• the admission that nobody can do it all
• the development of the skills necessary to enroll help and support
• with the addition of proper medication.

Organizational competence aside, Katy was luckier than many of us with undiagnosed ADD.  She had a best friend to identify some of what seemed to be going on —  to offer advice, share information and experience, introduce her to an ADD Coach, and help her find a doctor and an ADD-knowledgeable therapist.  The Nolans could afford the services Katy needed, and her husband proved how terrific he really was by supporting her efforts with actions as well as words.

Katy was ALSO ready, willing, and able  to take the actions to change her life, and had excellent follow-through skills.  She was able to put a support team together quickly and her progress was rapid and dramatic.

And then there’s Barb

Even though they are the best of buds and are working with the same ADD Coach, they are very different women with very different styles of ADD. Barbara’s process has been very different and, from the outside, seems less remarkable than Katy’s.

Since the Sitwells manage on, effectively, one salary, Barb had to wait until there was room in the budget to pay for the services she realized she needed and wanted, post diagnosis, just like some of those photography classes she wanted to take.  She did the best she could for the first year, trolling the internet for sites like ADDandSoMuchMore.com for information and ideas.

Once she began working with Donna, Barb took longer to sift through what she wanted to do, and to distinguish what she was willing to really-no-kidding DO to manage from what was (for her) merely a “should.”

Since her messy house didn’t bother her in the slightest, you wouldn’t see much difference were you to pay her a little visit.  Larry would like quite a bit more order, but not enough to take over the chore — hiring a maid is one of the Sitwell’s goals for future salary increases and bonuses.  They’ve dubbed their house “Chaos Casa,” and they’re both fine with that for now.

The important thing is that Barb herself feels like she has finally found the right balance for the type of life she wants to lead.

Even though Barb will always be more of a “free spirit” than Katy, both woman feel more in control and confident that they are each moving at a pace that makes sense for them, in a direction they want to be moving.  And while both woman give a lot of credit to Donna, their ADD Coach, they know in their hearts that their own efforts are the ones that have made the difference.  (And Donna reminds them every time they seem to forget that little detail!)

More to come in Katy and Barb’s story, so stay tuned!

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Since this article is long (an update of something designed for another format some years ago), it has
been serialized.  New sections have been scheduled to post every morning, to give me time to edit
during this time when I am practically living at the hospital as one of the primary care partners for
“Lazy, Stupid, Crazy” co-author Kate Kelly.
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